Dear mama...

Dear mama,

You may just be starting on this journey or just starting to think about it, you may already have a little one or a few. Or you may be just passing through the sorrow of not being able to have any yourself. But my dear, don't let anyone tell you that a mama isn't what you are. You have a mama's heart and you're well on your way to finding that little person that will someday make your heart sing.

I'm here to tell you a few things. Things that I'm glad someone told me and things I wish someone would've said.

First- pray, pray always, pray everything. Yes... God knows what's in your heart, but I encourage  am telling you, say it to Him anyway. Pray, because if you're not in constant communication with God you will get discouraged, you will get angry and you will let things get into your head and heart that shouldn't be there.

Talk to you husband about everything. Everything you feel and think pour it out to him. Let him hold you. Let him tell you what he's thinking and don't judge him for what he says. Talk to each other, have conversations about things. Make sure you're on the same page about what and how much you're telling other people, yes even your best friend and family.

Think before you speak. I've heard it said by many "I have never regretted not saying something, but almost always regretted saying to much". When in doubt don't, is a good rule to have. I have said things out of anger I've regretted (no matter what someone said to bring it on) and I have often regretted saying to much out of excitement.

 You are not crazy (<Please read that again... and again... and again) Someone told me that when I felt my craziest. You are on a hard journey, a journey that will take everything out of you every day. You will probably end many days crying, but its ok. I have told many people when they asked "How are you doing" ... "I am everything". You will feel everything all the time. You will feel every emotion under the sun every day until that baby is in your arms... and probably even after that.

 Your journey doesn't just involve you and your husband. It involves that babies first mama, and possibly her family. You're not only concerned about yourself, but you're concerned about her, and how she's feeling and how she's doing (again I say PRAY. Pray for her, her heart and her family).

As much as you or others will try to convince you to not think about it, there is always a very real chance that first mama will decide to parent, and you need to understand and be ok with that. Guard your heart, but don't you dare be afraid to love that baby and that mama. You don't know why God has put you in her life and what she needs. So again I say love her fearlessly.

Be that first mamas advocate. If your adoption is open, there is a very real possibility that you will be there for the birth. There are many types of people in this world, but two of the types that you will be dealing with that day are helpful people and hurtful people. Figure out who is who. Cling to the helpful and guard from the hurtful. I'm not talking about guarding you, guard that mama. Don't let anyone make her feel small, don't you dare let anyone talk down to her. ESPECIALLY if she is on her own, you are her family and you protect her.

Last I will tell you this. Find someone who's been there. Who's gone through this journey. Cling to them, ask them all the questions at all hours. Don't be afraid to pour out to them, you need that. Your emotional waters will fill up every day and you have to let some out before you break the dam.

You can do this mama, you may not think you can, but I know you can. I know because God is calling you and what He calls you to He will bring you through. 

What I didn't know...

I labored for 13 hours, was awake for well over 40. My body was tired and worn and I wanted to give up, but was encouraged to press on and finally she came. The rush of relief filled my body as they placed her on my chest and I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I waited 9 months to see that little face, to hold those little hands and hear those little first cries. I have held my little girl every day of her life.

The other night as I put both of my babies to bed I thought about both of their lives so far, both of their very different and very beautiful stories of how they came to be mine.

Masons first mama did all of the things I did. She knew him inside of her for all those 9 months. She felt those kicks, she labored, delivered him and heard his first cries. But then she did something that I now more than ever could scarcely imagine doing… she handed him to me.

Having had a miscarriage, having a child biologically and a child through adoption I've seen becoming a parent from many angles. I've been hurt by many knowing and unknowing comments. I've had someone tell me I was selfish for bringing a child into this world when there's so many that need homes, I've heard that I'm cruel for having taken a child from their mother and I've been told that the child I lost was never really mine to have. I can take these comments because they are directed toward me, I can usually fairly easily let things roll off my back. But what I cannot handle is comments about Masons first mama… "I could never 'give my child' away"… they say. Even just typing those words, knowing how many times I've heard them, the anger wells up in my chest like a rock I want to throw at them.

I could say may things, I could throw their words back in their faces I could get angry and yell, but that wouldn't help them understand any more than a slap in the face. "its true" I think… "you probably never could do that" but its not for the reasons they mean. She did… she handed him to me and asked me to be his mother. The beautiful words she spoke to me will forever be tucked away in my heart. She was and is the most beautiful, selfless, giving person I know. She loves him so much more than she loves herself.

I too cannot imagine handing my baby to another woman and asking that woman to be their mother. I too don't know if I would be able to deny myself *That much* to give my child what I knew they needed. But its not because I'm better than her… its because I am not what she is, I am not as strong as she is. My son is so loved but he is loved more deeply by her than any other person… her love is a unique special gift only for him. It’s a love that cannot be replicated and it can never be taken.

Having had a child biologically I have a new understanding of what she did and how great her love is… I have a new appreciation and love for her that I didn't know before

…

A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me” ~Jody Landers.

what they don't see...

I cried today... again. As I carried my screaming 1 month old in the moby wrap to put away laundry, my teething crying 9 month old followed along behind. It was only 9 am and I already felt overwhelmed.

If I'm honest this is more days than I would like to admit... overwhelmed. Mason was so easy as a newborn, he rarely cried other than when he was hungry and I knew exactly what to do when it wasn't hunger crying. I'm still working my way through the list of culprits with Eliza I've been given by *everyone* for fussy babies with no success so far.

I wake up, I feed my crying Eliza from my tired body, I make Mason his beloved eggs and fruit, I clean up I get them dressed all while talking Mason through fits and temper tantrums and bouncing Eliza. Then I catch myself in the mirror... I am neither dressed nor fed and frankly I don't have the brain capacity to put together a decent outfit for myself while the kids pull at my mind and heart strings so jeans and a baggy shirt it is. In that mirror I see all the things I would like to change... stretch marks everywhere, a stomach that looks like a deflated balloon, hips that I've had to accommodate with new wider jeans, sore  aching breasts that are struggling to keep up with the demands of a little blue eyed girl, bags under my eyes from lack of good sleep... the list I see goes on... all I see and think of is flaws...

Defeated is the word that normally comes to mind when people ask how its going, but in our society being defeated as a stay at home mom is not acceptable. Or everyone has a million well meaning suggestions that fall on my completely numb mind. Again in the interest of honesty I usually tell people we are fine and find a funny anecdote from earlier in the week that brought a smile to my face.

I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm failing my kids when I cry with them. The few people I've told this to will tell me I'm wrong and encourage me to the best of their ability but there's something in my mind that won't let me fully believe them. I love my kids more than I ever imagined I could... and feeling like I do makes me feel like I'm not being the mother they deserve... asking for help makes me feel like I'm shirking my responsibility as a parent off onto other people. I pray daily for a clearer mind, I pray that I won't cry when they're both crying at me and I don't know what they want. Neither of them can talk, Mason is in a major learning curve that requires constant vigilance and patience and Eliza is still figuring out "the outside".

Eliza doesnt see stretch marks on a sagging stomach, she sees her home of 9 months, Mason sees his favorite place to lay his head to fall asleep, they see hips that carry them, Eliza sees her source of comfort and food in me. Mason doesn't see the bags under my tired eyes as he stares into them and quietly calls me mama as he falls asleep at night.

I know its all worth it and this is just a stage of life that I'm passing through. I have to give myself the same grace I give my children as they learn... "This is the hardest stage of life they've ever been through" I tell myself as I try to be patient with them.

This is not the end of the world, YES it is hard some weeks have more hard days than not, but I have to cherish this age. I can't let my frustrations keep me from seeing the beautiful moments that my kids are going through.

I can't let what I see ruin me because that's not what they see.