Please don't feed the baby....

As I study adoption more and more I've learned about the varying stages of adoption, some I've already experienced and some I have yet to. One that I think intimidates a lot of adoptive parents (from reading various blogs and posts and talking to my fellow AP's) is bonding with your adoptive child. People outside the adoption world may not understand the concern, but you have to realize as adoptive mothers we didn't grow that baby inside of us for nine months. As adoptive fathers, they didn't snuggle up with mama on the couch to talk to her ever protruding stomach every night after work. These babies don't come out knowing our voices and recognizing our scent. When we first bring these babies home, we are essentially strangers and we will - for the first while - only be Man, Woman and Baby.

I've read the many important ways to bond with our child and various things you normally do daily that promote bonding. Baby wearing, skin to skin, induced breast feeding, bottle feeding skin to skin, diaper changing, eye contact, the list goes on and on. But I've also read the frustrations of my fellow adoptive parents due to lack of education of those around them. Bonding takes time, it takes effort and sometimes takes the cooperation of those around you.

I've read about a mother frustrated by nursery workers at her church because she asked that she be called when the baby was upset so she could be the one to calm him if he got wound up, she asked that she be the only one to feed him his bottle, to change his diapers etc. but the (well meaning though they may have been
) nursery workers thought it was just first time mommy jitters and took it upon themselves to do all these things regardless of her requests.

I've read about a father frustrated because he let a friend hold their new baby at a get together and asked that she not be passed around from stranger to stranger, but the friend didn't think it would hurt anything if it were only a "few" close friends that she was passed between. Then the friends were all insulted when he explained he wished they hadn't done that.

Please understand it is not just that we are "new parents" because some of us aren't (whether we've adopted before or had biological children). Please understand that its not because we don't trust you with our child because we do. And please don't express your unwanted opinions of our parenting because you think we're just being "over protective". It isn't those things at all, we love you all and are so happy you're a part of our children's lives.

But we need them to count on us and to trust us and it isn't going to come as naturally as biological children. We need them to need us and to know that we will be there for them.  We need them to see us as mom and dad and not just another random man or woman that takes care of them. We bond with them through all of the everyday things like feeding and diaper changing, they know us because we aren't just another set of many arms that hold them. Also know that it won't last forever, but there will be a period of time where you may look, but you may not touch. It sounds extreme to some, but all of these things are what take us from "Man, Woman and Baby" to "Father, Mother and Child".

Adoption has nothing to do with me.

We are in the eye of the adoption tornado... I've been staring it down for weeks as it feels like it hovers over my life right now. In the interest of keeping it real without complaining, I will tell you that this waiting to bring our baby home is a huge trial in which we have tried to keep ourselv... *CRASH!*

 *Stands up and walks to window to check on husband whom is currently chopping up massive tree with chainsaw, hears chainsaw start back up and returns to computer*

Tried to keep ourselves busy. My husband keeps himself busy with projects like... chopping up massive fallen trees, and cleaning out the barn. I try by riding my horses as much as I can (which is not fun when its cold) and cleaning. But something has come out of my desire to be patient while in this waiting period, that surprised me. As I've searched for things to do to preoccupy myself one thing has begun happening that I can only chalk up to God. I've been asked to serve more at my church, God has been opening up my eyes to a need in our church, a need in which I find joy in fulfilling. In filling this need its opened my eyes up to a concept that I knew ,but had never thought much of (most of you probably have, but I'm a little behind sometimes)

 

Serve others during your trials...





Silly as it seems, my mind has been blown by this concept of focusing on others during my trial, instead of myself. I've realized how much sense it makes. I'm supposed to trust God to fulfill my needs (*Philippians 4:19*1John 5:14-15*) I am also called to serve those around me and serve in the church where there is need, particularly where God has gifted me (*1Peter 4:10*) So if I'm keeping myself busy by doing what I am called to do and serving where I am called with a genuine heart (caring for my house and husband, and serving others and in the church) then how can I be worried about my trial? *LIGHT BULB!* serve others during my trials.

 

 If I'm honest, I haven't always been the best at seeking out places to serve in the past, ESPECIALLY not during trials. My thought was always, "How can I serve others with a clear heart when I'm going through this awful terrible thing??". My biggest problem was that I was too busy being sad and frustrated at my trial and asking God over and over for what I THOUGHT I needed instead of praying for Gods will, letting Him have it and moving on trusting God to take care of my trial.

Now don't get me wrong... I didn't come to this conclusion on my own... God literally had to put several opportunities to serve in my lap before I finally realized what was happening.

In the interest of keeping it honest, I am dense sometimes. God often has to throw things basically under my feet for me to trip over before I actually put two and two together. But then there's that moment when I finally stop focusing on my own two feet to look up and see what God is asking of me.

 

This adoption is not about me. Its not about my husband. Its not about us as a family. It is about others. Its about our babies first mama and her needs as she goes through this incredibly difficult process and choice, its about her family and their love for her and this baby, its about this amazing tiny human that will yet again display Gods amazing power and love. Its about the amazing people I've gotten to know at our Agency and Christian adoption consultants. Its about educating those around us about this process and showing how closely it relates back to God and His adoption of all of us. Its about being able to look past myself during all of this to serve those around me and trust God to take care of me. Adoption is all about Gods glory and trusting Him, adoption has nothing to do with me.