He is ours....

So I just remembered today... I have a blog. Not one that many people read, but still I have one haha. I mostly started this blog as a way to get be more transparent about our adoption process and life leading up to it. Also as a way to pass time until our son arrived. So, to the 5 people that read this, I apologize that you haven't heard from me in a while. Actually you haven't heard from me since about a week before we got out beautiful baby boy and he. is. beautiful. Just like his first mama.

Its crazy to look at all that has happened since we got him, it's crazier even yet to think about that day. I don't broadcast much about it because it wasn't just our day... it wasn't just a beautiful joyous occasion where we became parents. In fact when I think about that day in particular it mostly brings tears. Tears for many reasons, but many of them not purely happy tears. In an effort to keep our sons story HIS I don't share many of the details, but I will say this. His first mama is beautiful... I can scarcely find the words to express how I feel about her. If you've ever adopted you know its a bittersweet experience... I saw a love the likes of which I didn't know existed on this earth for one person from another. Her love for us was and is great, but her love for him was and is boundless. She is brave, sweet, kind, quiet and amazing and I will never grow tired of telling our son about her.


I've discovered in life that God rarely gives me what I think I want when I ask for it. When I pleaded with Him for a child two years ago I had no idea the child I was pleading for wouldn't come from my own body. Dave and I prayed long and hard about what we should do... we knew we were called to be parents, we also knew that we wanted to adopt at some point, but we did not know that those two worlds would collide far sooner than we expected.

In early July of 2016  Dave and I made the decision to start the adoption process and by start I mean start researching what agency and route to use...we knew two things, adoption can be a lengthy process (2 plus years) and there is a steep learning curve when it comes to adopting. So, we RAN up it at full speed. From the start we were following Gods lead (I say that because we basically had no idea what we were doing) all we knew is that we were supposed to be parents and we were supposed to adopt... other than that we were pretty much in the dark. We followed wherever we felt Gods lead and He led us EXACTLY where we were supposed to go, in a hurry! We had no idea that almost 9 months after we decided to start the adoption process, we would be parents.

All that to say, I KNOW for a fact that none of this was by chance. I know that, that beautiful little boy that falls asleep on my chest every night was supposed to be in our lives. It was made even more evident to me that he was meant to be ours when I found out I was pregnant 4 days after we returned home with him. Why, you might ask did our pregnancy make it more evident? Because for so long I wanted to carry a child inside me... I had a plan in my mind of how motherhood would look... first biological then adopted. But now when I look at my son I see neither of those things.... He is not our "adopted son"... he is only our son. Daves, mine and his first mama's.

My children are mine, whether they are adopted or biological, brown, white or black. All of the children that God brings us will be ours and I will never see them any other way. They will all have their own stories, but I will love them all the same.

I forget where the quote is from or who said it...

  "He may not have my eyes or my smile, but he has my heart"

Please don't feed the baby....

As I study adoption more and more I've learned about the varying stages of adoption, some I've already experienced and some I have yet to. One that I think intimidates a lot of adoptive parents (from reading various blogs and posts and talking to my fellow AP's) is bonding with your adoptive child. People outside the adoption world may not understand the concern, but you have to realize as adoptive mothers we didn't grow that baby inside of us for nine months. As adoptive fathers, they didn't snuggle up with mama on the couch to talk to her ever protruding stomach every night after work. These babies don't come out knowing our voices and recognizing our scent. When we first bring these babies home, we are essentially strangers and we will - for the first while - only be Man, Woman and Baby.

I've read the many important ways to bond with our child and various things you normally do daily that promote bonding. Baby wearing, skin to skin, induced breast feeding, bottle feeding skin to skin, diaper changing, eye contact, the list goes on and on. But I've also read the frustrations of my fellow adoptive parents due to lack of education of those around them. Bonding takes time, it takes effort and sometimes takes the cooperation of those around you.

I've read about a mother frustrated by nursery workers at her church because she asked that she be called when the baby was upset so she could be the one to calm him if he got wound up, she asked that she be the only one to feed him his bottle, to change his diapers etc. but the (well meaning though they may have been
) nursery workers thought it was just first time mommy jitters and took it upon themselves to do all these things regardless of her requests.

I've read about a father frustrated because he let a friend hold their new baby at a get together and asked that she not be passed around from stranger to stranger, but the friend didn't think it would hurt anything if it were only a "few" close friends that she was passed between. Then the friends were all insulted when he explained he wished they hadn't done that.

Please understand it is not just that we are "new parents" because some of us aren't (whether we've adopted before or had biological children). Please understand that its not because we don't trust you with our child because we do. And please don't express your unwanted opinions of our parenting because you think we're just being "over protective". It isn't those things at all, we love you all and are so happy you're a part of our children's lives.

But we need them to count on us and to trust us and it isn't going to come as naturally as biological children. We need them to need us and to know that we will be there for them.  We need them to see us as mom and dad and not just another random man or woman that takes care of them. We bond with them through all of the everyday things like feeding and diaper changing, they know us because we aren't just another set of many arms that hold them. Also know that it won't last forever, but there will be a period of time where you may look, but you may not touch. It sounds extreme to some, but all of these things are what take us from "Man, Woman and Baby" to "Father, Mother and Child".

Adoption has nothing to do with me.

We are in the eye of the adoption tornado... I've been staring it down for weeks as it feels like it hovers over my life right now. In the interest of keeping it real without complaining, I will tell you that this waiting to bring our baby home is a huge trial in which we have tried to keep ourselv... *CRASH!*

 *Stands up and walks to window to check on husband whom is currently chopping up massive tree with chainsaw, hears chainsaw start back up and returns to computer*

Tried to keep ourselves busy. My husband keeps himself busy with projects like... chopping up massive fallen trees, and cleaning out the barn. I try by riding my horses as much as I can (which is not fun when its cold) and cleaning. But something has come out of my desire to be patient while in this waiting period, that surprised me. As I've searched for things to do to preoccupy myself one thing has begun happening that I can only chalk up to God. I've been asked to serve more at my church, God has been opening up my eyes to a need in our church, a need in which I find joy in fulfilling. In filling this need its opened my eyes up to a concept that I knew ,but had never thought much of (most of you probably have, but I'm a little behind sometimes)

 

Serve others during your trials...





Silly as it seems, my mind has been blown by this concept of focusing on others during my trial, instead of myself. I've realized how much sense it makes. I'm supposed to trust God to fulfill my needs (*Philippians 4:19*1John 5:14-15*) I am also called to serve those around me and serve in the church where there is need, particularly where God has gifted me (*1Peter 4:10*) So if I'm keeping myself busy by doing what I am called to do and serving where I am called with a genuine heart (caring for my house and husband, and serving others and in the church) then how can I be worried about my trial? *LIGHT BULB!* serve others during my trials.

 

 If I'm honest, I haven't always been the best at seeking out places to serve in the past, ESPECIALLY not during trials. My thought was always, "How can I serve others with a clear heart when I'm going through this awful terrible thing??". My biggest problem was that I was too busy being sad and frustrated at my trial and asking God over and over for what I THOUGHT I needed instead of praying for Gods will, letting Him have it and moving on trusting God to take care of my trial.

Now don't get me wrong... I didn't come to this conclusion on my own... God literally had to put several opportunities to serve in my lap before I finally realized what was happening.

In the interest of keeping it honest, I am dense sometimes. God often has to throw things basically under my feet for me to trip over before I actually put two and two together. But then there's that moment when I finally stop focusing on my own two feet to look up and see what God is asking of me.

 

This adoption is not about me. Its not about my husband. Its not about us as a family. It is about others. Its about our babies first mama and her needs as she goes through this incredibly difficult process and choice, its about her family and their love for her and this baby, its about this amazing tiny human that will yet again display Gods amazing power and love. Its about the amazing people I've gotten to know at our Agency and Christian adoption consultants. Its about educating those around us about this process and showing how closely it relates back to God and His adoption of all of us. Its about being able to look past myself during all of this to serve those around me and trust God to take care of me. Adoption is all about Gods glory and trusting Him, adoption has nothing to do with me.

I am everything...

"How are you doing?" I'd like to say I'm fine when they ask, but that would be a lie and I'm not good at faking it. So I respond with the best smile I can muster and say "I'm everything." It’s the most truthful thing I can say because no matter who, how or when it is asked I overload…My brain floods like an old engine with how I am actually doing, and I am…everything. Everything that I've been feeling and thinking for the last month suddenly overloads my senses and I can't think of anything else... the words "I'm fine" don't even register into my brain.

 

"I'm everything" doesn’t mean I'm doing bad, its not a call for pity or to show my weakness, but it is honest. I'm so happy that we are where we are in this process. God has given us more than I had ever hoped for in this short period of time. The speed in which this journey has progressed can honestly only be described as mind blowing. I confess that prayer is really all that's getting me through without having a complete meltdown.

 

Its not just my own thoughts and emotions that I'm concerned with, it’s the thoughts of our future babies first mama. I find myself praying for her more often than I pray for myself… I can't imagine what she must be feeling. Literally I cannot imagine. I know how my emotions and thoughts jump around like a spastic electric circuit, how my feelings and emotions change quicker and more drastically than the Nebraska weather. My heart just aches for her… so I pray.

 

I think about everything that I think… redundant I know, but that's my brain right now. I think, re think, and think about my re thought thoughts. I am told "Trust God and you will be fine"… I am aware of this, and believe me I trust God, if I didn't I don’t know how I would be dealing with all of this. But as I talk with God about everything I'm feeling I can't help but continue to think.

 

My heart is so full, but I feel like I'm trying to drain it a little. I am afraid…. I'm afraid to love my child because my child isn't mine yet and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to hold myself back because I cannot let myself completely fall for this baby just yet, because this is adoption and the very real possibility always stands that babies first momma can always decide to parent. I have to be ok with this reality because there isn't anything wrong with it. It scares me so much, it hurts not to let myself be completely in love with that baby… to daydream about them in my arms, to imagine all the things I want them to be and do… but I can't. I have to remember that baby already has a mother that loves them so very much more than I can imagine.

 

So I am everything… all the emotions, all the time. But that’s ok, because I love that baby so much more than I ever thought I could and this love is me holding back. I didn't know I could love this much, and I cant even wrap my brain around when it will be even more.

We pray(ed)

Its funny how God answers your prayers.... if I'm honest they're rarely answered the way I expect. But they're answered so much better than I could ever dream.

At the beginning of last year (2016) I made a new years resolution to pray more.  I told God I wanted to pray more, I wanted wisdom, patience, grace, bla bla bla... at least that's what I told myself, but God knew better. God knew my heart... my selfish heart. He knew what I really wanted was to beg Him for a baby, but I tried to put it under the guise what I thought would  sound best when speaking to the almighty God of the universe.... ironically I figured somehow that the God of the universe "wouldn't see" my selfish heart. I chuckle every time I think about how stupid that sounds... "God wouldn't notice."

Little did I know (as always) He would help me pray more... and I would pray for every single thing that I was using to hide behind to make myself feel better. Because that's how God works, His plan is custom designed to take me down the route that He knows will be best. Sometimes that road is a little rougher than I like, but who am I? (just the girl that thinks she can hide things from the omnipotent God *Face Palm*)

I prayed, I prayed often. I prayed for a baby, a baby for me, for Cowboy... for our family. I wanted so much just to be a mom and for Cowboy to be a dad.

 

Slowly I prayed for wisdom, when the realization started to set in that I might not carry that baby. Prayed that we would know what to do when the time came to decide what to do...

I prayed for patience as we waited to find out what to do, whether we were supposed to get tests done or to do adopt or to simply just be us.

Then we decided to adopt, God led us to adoption and we could not have been more overjoyed!

Then.... I prayed for grace. Because to my surprise *sarcastic eye-roll* people say stupid things... rude things, because they do not know our story. They don't know our journey to get here.

Recently I listened to a podcast by John Piper called "Pray like this...". If you want a kick in the pants I would suggest you listen to it. God is amazing ya'll. He broke my heart.... sounds funny doesn't it? I'm so grateful that He broke my heart... because when He broke my heart I could see through the cracks past my selfishness. (Jeremiah 17:9) He broke my heart I saw past myself and I saw His heart inside me... and I like it so much better than my own. His heart makes me wiser, more patient, and gives me grace.

God answers prayer... and so we pray.

I dream...

I had another dream last night

its about you...

 

You're there in my arms, I know your name, what you look like, the color of your skin, the texture of your hair, the color of your eyes, where you came from, what your laugh sounds like, this dream feels so real...

 

but then I wake up... I burst awake... I search the room for you but I am back in reality and you're not there and I can barely remember you at all now that my eyes are open and I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I know is that I knew you when I was asleep.

 

It feels like its so close, the end of all this... or the beginning, its both at the same time.

 

I am told not to but I do. I daydream, I daydream often about so many things. I daydream about when we get a phone call that will change our lives forever, I daydream about meeting our babies birth mother and all the things I want to say to her about how I want to be a listening ear for her. I daydream about our baby and who they will be and the kind of mother I want to be for them. I daydream about all the adventures, both big and small, we will have as a family.

 

Its like a room in my mind that I shut myself in without realizing it, a room that gives me just a little hope when I feel like our journey to you will never end...

 

How do I keep my mind busy? How do I keep my heart in check? I feel like a huge balloon being pushed down under a blanket... I try so hard to keep myself in check

 

 

because we have no idea how much longer this will go on. There is no end in sight....

 

 

My sweet baby, I'm already in love with you... I know they say I shouldn't be.... that I should wait... that I shouldn't think to much about you... that I should control my emotions... but I can't help myself. You're in my heart, my heart so full of love that it hurts, so full of love that it could burst...

 

"You will fall in love at the most unexpected time, with the most unexpected person"