I am everything...

"How are you doing?" I'd like to say I'm fine when they ask, but that would be a lie and I'm not good at faking it. So I respond with the best smile I can muster and say "I'm everything." It’s the most truthful thing I can say because no matter who, how or when it is asked I overload…My brain floods like an old engine with how I am actually doing, and I am…everything. Everything that I've been feeling and thinking for the last month suddenly overloads my senses and I can't think of anything else... the words "I'm fine" don't even register into my brain.

 

"I'm everything" doesn’t mean I'm doing bad, its not a call for pity or to show my weakness, but it is honest. I'm so happy that we are where we are in this process. God has given us more than I had ever hoped for in this short period of time. The speed in which this journey has progressed can honestly only be described as mind blowing. I confess that prayer is really all that's getting me through without having a complete meltdown.

 

Its not just my own thoughts and emotions that I'm concerned with, it’s the thoughts of our future babies first mama. I find myself praying for her more often than I pray for myself… I can't imagine what she must be feeling. Literally I cannot imagine. I know how my emotions and thoughts jump around like a spastic electric circuit, how my feelings and emotions change quicker and more drastically than the Nebraska weather. My heart just aches for her… so I pray.

 

I think about everything that I think… redundant I know, but that's my brain right now. I think, re think, and think about my re thought thoughts. I am told "Trust God and you will be fine"… I am aware of this, and believe me I trust God, if I didn't I don’t know how I would be dealing with all of this. But as I talk with God about everything I'm feeling I can't help but continue to think.

 

My heart is so full, but I feel like I'm trying to drain it a little. I am afraid…. I'm afraid to love my child because my child isn't mine yet and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to hold myself back because I cannot let myself completely fall for this baby just yet, because this is adoption and the very real possibility always stands that babies first momma can always decide to parent. I have to be ok with this reality because there isn't anything wrong with it. It scares me so much, it hurts not to let myself be completely in love with that baby… to daydream about them in my arms, to imagine all the things I want them to be and do… but I can't. I have to remember that baby already has a mother that loves them so very much more than I can imagine.

 

So I am everything… all the emotions, all the time. But that’s ok, because I love that baby so much more than I ever thought I could and this love is me holding back. I didn't know I could love this much, and I cant even wrap my brain around when it will be even more.

We pray(ed)

Its funny how God answers your prayers.... if I'm honest they're rarely answered the way I expect. But they're answered so much better than I could ever dream.

At the beginning of last year (2016) I made a new years resolution to pray more.  I told God I wanted to pray more, I wanted wisdom, patience, grace, bla bla bla... at least that's what I told myself, but God knew better. God knew my heart... my selfish heart. He knew what I really wanted was to beg Him for a baby, but I tried to put it under the guise what I thought would  sound best when speaking to the almighty God of the universe.... ironically I figured somehow that the God of the universe "wouldn't see" my selfish heart. I chuckle every time I think about how stupid that sounds... "God wouldn't notice."

Little did I know (as always) He would help me pray more... and I would pray for every single thing that I was using to hide behind to make myself feel better. Because that's how God works, His plan is custom designed to take me down the route that He knows will be best. Sometimes that road is a little rougher than I like, but who am I? (just the girl that thinks she can hide things from the omnipotent God *Face Palm*)

I prayed, I prayed often. I prayed for a baby, a baby for me, for Cowboy... for our family. I wanted so much just to be a mom and for Cowboy to be a dad.

 

Slowly I prayed for wisdom, when the realization started to set in that I might not carry that baby. Prayed that we would know what to do when the time came to decide what to do...

I prayed for patience as we waited to find out what to do, whether we were supposed to get tests done or to do adopt or to simply just be us.

Then we decided to adopt, God led us to adoption and we could not have been more overjoyed!

Then.... I prayed for grace. Because to my surprise *sarcastic eye-roll* people say stupid things... rude things, because they do not know our story. They don't know our journey to get here.

Recently I listened to a podcast by John Piper called "Pray like this...". If you want a kick in the pants I would suggest you listen to it. God is amazing ya'll. He broke my heart.... sounds funny doesn't it? I'm so grateful that He broke my heart... because when He broke my heart I could see through the cracks past my selfishness. (Jeremiah 17:9) He broke my heart I saw past myself and I saw His heart inside me... and I like it so much better than my own. His heart makes me wiser, more patient, and gives me grace.

God answers prayer... and so we pray.

I dream...

I had another dream last night

its about you...

 

You're there in my arms, I know your name, what you look like, the color of your skin, the texture of your hair, the color of your eyes, where you came from, what your laugh sounds like, this dream feels so real...

 

but then I wake up... I burst awake... I search the room for you but I am back in reality and you're not there and I can barely remember you at all now that my eyes are open and I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I know is that I knew you when I was asleep.

 

It feels like its so close, the end of all this... or the beginning, its both at the same time.

 

I am told not to but I do. I daydream, I daydream often about so many things. I daydream about when we get a phone call that will change our lives forever, I daydream about meeting our babies birth mother and all the things I want to say to her about how I want to be a listening ear for her. I daydream about our baby and who they will be and the kind of mother I want to be for them. I daydream about all the adventures, both big and small, we will have as a family.

 

Its like a room in my mind that I shut myself in without realizing it, a room that gives me just a little hope when I feel like our journey to you will never end...

 

How do I keep my mind busy? How do I keep my heart in check? I feel like a huge balloon being pushed down under a blanket... I try so hard to keep myself in check

 

 

because we have no idea how much longer this will go on. There is no end in sight....

 

 

My sweet baby, I'm already in love with you... I know they say I shouldn't be.... that I should wait... that I shouldn't think to much about you... that I should control my emotions... but I can't help myself. You're in my heart, my heart so full of love that it hurts, so full of love that it could burst...

 

"You will fall in love at the most unexpected time, with the most unexpected person"