I labored for 13
hours, was awake for well over 40. My body was tired and worn and I wanted to
give up, but was encouraged to press on and finally she came. The rush of
relief filled my body as they placed her on my chest and I couldn't
believe how beautiful she was. I waited 9 months to see that little face, to
hold those little hands and hear those little first cries. I have held my
little girl every day of her life.
The other night
as I put both of my babies to bed I thought about both of their lives so far,
both of their very different and very beautiful stories of how they came to be
mine.
Masons first mama
did all of the things I did. She knew him inside of her for all those 9 months.
She felt those kicks, she labored, delivered him and heard his first cries. But
then she did something that I now more than ever could scarcely imagine doing… she
handed him to me.
Having had a
miscarriage, having a child biologically and a child through adoption I've seen
becoming a parent from many angles. I've been hurt by many knowing and
unknowing comments. I've had someone tell me I was selfish for bringing a child
into this world when there's so many that need homes, I've heard that I'm cruel
for having taken a child from their mother and I've been told that the child I lost
was never really mine to have. I can take these comments because they are
directed toward me, I can usually fairly easily let things roll off my back.
But what I cannot handle is comments about Masons first mama… "I could
never 'give my child' away"… they say. Even just typing those words,
knowing how many times I've heard them, the anger wells up in my chest like a
rock I want to throw at them.
I could say may
things, I could throw their words back in their faces I could get angry and
yell, but that wouldn't help them understand any more than a slap in the face.
"its true" I think… "you probably never could do that" but
its not for the reasons they mean. She did… she handed him to me and asked me
to be his mother. The beautiful words she spoke to me will forever be tucked
away in my heart. She was and is the most beautiful, selfless, giving person I know.
She loves him so much more than she loves herself.
I too cannot
imagine handing my baby to another woman and asking that woman to be their
mother. I too don't know if I would be able to deny myself *That much* to give
my child what I knew they needed. But its not because I'm better than her… its
because I am not what she is, I am not as strong as she is. My son is so loved but he is loved more deeply by her
than any other person… her love is a unique special gift only for him. It’s a love
that cannot be replicated and it can never be taken.
Having had a
child biologically I have a new understanding of what she did and how great her
love is… I have a new appreciation and love for her that I didn't know before
A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The
magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me”
~Jody Landers.
