I am not offended by your pregnancy...

 

I am not mad that you're pregnant, I'm not offended by your big (adorable!) protruding belly full of tiny human, I'm not upset that you're able to procreate and I am not. Being pregnant is a blessing, having the ability to make a new human with your spouse is a beautiful thing. Please don't think you have to announce your pregnancy to me differently than anyone else, it doesn't need to be made to me in hushed tones just the two of us, or with a sad side-glance toward me, I promise I don't have meltdowns over pregnancy announcements… anymore…

If I'm honest, I used to. If I'm honest, it felt like literally EVERYONE was getting pregnant right as I was struggling with the reality that it was something I would probably never experience (unless the Lord wills otherwise). Like most, motherhood has always played itself out in my head starting with the joyful discovery of a positive pregnancy test, followed by 9 months of beauty, pain, and lots of vomiting. An experience I would gladly endure because of the tiny little scream of a newborn entering the world that would result at the end. Cradling our newborn in my hospital bed with my husband snuggled up next to us as we both stared into the face that was a beautiful mixture of the two of us.

These were all things I had to let go of before we could move forward with our adoption… things that I now am so happy that others get to experience. Because I was bitter, I was jealous; I envied the many pregnant bellies waddling their way around church on Sunday mornings.

Many people don't realize that you have to grieve through all of this before you can adopt (if you struggled with infertility first) you have to let go of what you thought "motherhood" would look like.

My husband and I don't decide one day that we want to have a baby, we don't try until we see the two little pink lines appear on the test. We raise money, we work extra hours, and we save because we don't have just a deductable to meet before insurance covers the rest. We will sign on with an agency, go through many agonizing and tedious hours of homestudy prep and paperwork until we are "approved" to be parents (that is the part that most easily frustrates me). The state gets to decide if we are fit to be parents. Then we build a profile of ourselves… a profile that we hope finds favor with an expectant parent whom is making an adoption plan. It could be 9 months… it could be 2 years before we are chosen. I know it will be in Gods timing, I pray always that He will help me cope… but we wait.

The path to motherhood looks different than I thought it would, but it is still beautiful. Just like pregnancy, we don't know if it will be a boy or girl, one two or maybe even three babies! (different than pregnancy we don't know what race it will be ;) ) But just the same, that (or those) baby will be ours. I will never see that baby as anything but ours.