Please don't feed the baby....

As I study adoption more and more I've learned about the varying stages of adoption, some I've already experienced and some I have yet to. One that I think intimidates a lot of adoptive parents (from reading various blogs and posts and talking to my fellow AP's) is bonding with your adoptive child. People outside the adoption world may not understand the concern, but you have to realize as adoptive mothers we didn't grow that baby inside of us for nine months. As adoptive fathers, they didn't snuggle up with mama on the couch to talk to her ever protruding stomach every night after work. These babies don't come out knowing our voices and recognizing our scent. When we first bring these babies home, we are essentially strangers and we will - for the first while - only be Man, Woman and Baby.

I've read the many important ways to bond with our child and various things you normally do daily that promote bonding. Baby wearing, skin to skin, induced breast feeding, bottle feeding skin to skin, diaper changing, eye contact, the list goes on and on. But I've also read the frustrations of my fellow adoptive parents due to lack of education of those around them. Bonding takes time, it takes effort and sometimes takes the cooperation of those around you.

I've read about a mother frustrated by nursery workers at her church because she asked that she be called when the baby was upset so she could be the one to calm him if he got wound up, she asked that she be the only one to feed him his bottle, to change his diapers etc. but the (well meaning though they may have been
) nursery workers thought it was just first time mommy jitters and took it upon themselves to do all these things regardless of her requests.

I've read about a father frustrated because he let a friend hold their new baby at a get together and asked that she not be passed around from stranger to stranger, but the friend didn't think it would hurt anything if it were only a "few" close friends that she was passed between. Then the friends were all insulted when he explained he wished they hadn't done that.

Please understand it is not just that we are "new parents" because some of us aren't (whether we've adopted before or had biological children). Please understand that its not because we don't trust you with our child because we do. And please don't express your unwanted opinions of our parenting because you think we're just being "over protective". It isn't those things at all, we love you all and are so happy you're a part of our children's lives.

But we need them to count on us and to trust us and it isn't going to come as naturally as biological children. We need them to need us and to know that we will be there for them.  We need them to see us as mom and dad and not just another random man or woman that takes care of them. We bond with them through all of the everyday things like feeding and diaper changing, they know us because we aren't just another set of many arms that hold them. Also know that it won't last forever, but there will be a period of time where you may look, but you may not touch. It sounds extreme to some, but all of these things are what take us from "Man, Woman and Baby" to "Father, Mother and Child".