It happened....

It happened. Everyone warned me when we got into adoption that this would happen. I figured it would to an extent, but I never imagined the depth to which it would effect me. I think about it every day, it has taken up residence in my heart and mind. I want to protect it, I'm willing to stand up to anyone for it. It boils my blood when people speak ignorantly of it without any care to the people that what they're saying could effect.


Adoption will consume you. Not in a "You can't function enough to do or think about anything else" way. But in a "Its a part of everything you do and think" way. You cannot imagine the way it takes a place in your heart. And when God calls you to it, you suddenly have no fear. Its crazy to think that when Dave and I started, we were adamant that we wanted a closed adoption, then with Masons adoption by the time we were matched we were so excited for an open adoption. We were heartbroken when we were first told that his first mama wanted to be closed. I prayed, I asked our consultant to urge her to reconsider. I wanted to know the woman that loved my son as much as me, as much as us. I can't imagine how my heart would've broken if she hadn't changed her mind and decided to be open.

Then we were sure that we would never be open to adoption from foster care... let alone a sibling group.... let alone a large sibling group. Now... well lets just say now God is opening our hearts yet again. He's showing us that we are more capable, that we have more love to give than we ever thought possible.

Recently I came across a sibling group of three boys in Arkansas. Something about them drew me in... consumed me. Suddenly it was more than just a casual glancing through a few profiles because i was curious... I felt like I had seen boys... that were meant to be my sons. I did my best to push away the feelings, we are not in a place, or house, that would ever get home study approved. We don't have the funds saved, we don't have the space. I told myself I was just getting worked up for nothing. I tried to pray the feelings -the ache for these sweet boys- away, but it wouldn't go away. I had shown their profile to Dave, and he fell in love with them too. We both felt drawn to these boys, but we didn't understand why.

This is the part where I'm going to give you hopeful adoptive mama's a tip. Have at least ONE person, that you can talk to, that has been through adoption and that has a love of adoption. Someone you can go to in times like mine to talk to. Because as well meaning as others are, they will not understand the ache in your heart. They'll do their best, they'll smile, they'll nod. But they'll make you feel like you're talking about a puppy you saw at the pound that you'd like to bring home. When I saw these boys, it was like I had seen Mason. Waiting to be taken home, longing for a family. I felt like they were my sons and there was nothing I could do to bring them home.

Those boys have since been adopted (praise the Lord). They had been in foster care for most of their childhoods.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why God would give me such a love for those boys, but not give me the ability to bring them home. But a wise friend (my "been there, love that" adoption friend) told me this "Maybe they were supposed to show you what God is going to do with you".

Maybe God was using those boys, to show us what plans He has for us. Priming us to be open to adoption from foster care. Showing me that there is no limit of the children we will love. That motherhood (and fatherhood) will come in many different ways because its not just a love of adoption, its a love of parenthood.

 It hurts a little still, that we weren't able to bring THOSE boys home. Their faces are still in my heart and mind, and I still pray for them. But seeing and falling in love with those boys, made me even more excited for what God is bringing for us. Even more excited for His plan for us. He has made adoption not just a piece of our story, but a part of who we are.