It happened....

It happened. Everyone warned me when we got into adoption that this would happen. I figured it would to an extent, but I never imagined the depth to which it would effect me. I think about it every day, it has taken up residence in my heart and mind. I want to protect it, I'm willing to stand up to anyone for it. It boils my blood when people speak ignorantly of it without any care to the people that what they're saying could effect.


Adoption will consume you. Not in a "You can't function enough to do or think about anything else" way. But in a "Its a part of everything you do and think" way. You cannot imagine the way it takes a place in your heart. And when God calls you to it, you suddenly have no fear. Its crazy to think that when Dave and I started, we were adamant that we wanted a closed adoption, then with Masons adoption by the time we were matched we were so excited for an open adoption. We were heartbroken when we were first told that his first mama wanted to be closed. I prayed, I asked our consultant to urge her to reconsider. I wanted to know the woman that loved my son as much as me, as much as us. I can't imagine how my heart would've broken if she hadn't changed her mind and decided to be open.

Then we were sure that we would never be open to adoption from foster care... let alone a sibling group.... let alone a large sibling group. Now... well lets just say now God is opening our hearts yet again. He's showing us that we are more capable, that we have more love to give than we ever thought possible.

Recently I came across a sibling group of three boys in Arkansas. Something about them drew me in... consumed me. Suddenly it was more than just a casual glancing through a few profiles because i was curious... I felt like I had seen boys... that were meant to be my sons. I did my best to push away the feelings, we are not in a place, or house, that would ever get home study approved. We don't have the funds saved, we don't have the space. I told myself I was just getting worked up for nothing. I tried to pray the feelings -the ache for these sweet boys- away, but it wouldn't go away. I had shown their profile to Dave, and he fell in love with them too. We both felt drawn to these boys, but we didn't understand why.

This is the part where I'm going to give you hopeful adoptive mama's a tip. Have at least ONE person, that you can talk to, that has been through adoption and that has a love of adoption. Someone you can go to in times like mine to talk to. Because as well meaning as others are, they will not understand the ache in your heart. They'll do their best, they'll smile, they'll nod. But they'll make you feel like you're talking about a puppy you saw at the pound that you'd like to bring home. When I saw these boys, it was like I had seen Mason. Waiting to be taken home, longing for a family. I felt like they were my sons and there was nothing I could do to bring them home.

Those boys have since been adopted (praise the Lord). They had been in foster care for most of their childhoods.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why God would give me such a love for those boys, but not give me the ability to bring them home. But a wise friend (my "been there, love that" adoption friend) told me this "Maybe they were supposed to show you what God is going to do with you".

Maybe God was using those boys, to show us what plans He has for us. Priming us to be open to adoption from foster care. Showing me that there is no limit of the children we will love. That motherhood (and fatherhood) will come in many different ways because its not just a love of adoption, its a love of parenthood.

 It hurts a little still, that we weren't able to bring THOSE boys home. Their faces are still in my heart and mind, and I still pray for them. But seeing and falling in love with those boys, made me even more excited for what God is bringing for us. Even more excited for His plan for us. He has made adoption not just a piece of our story, but a part of who we are.

Dear mama...

Dear mama,

You may just be starting on this journey or just starting to think about it, you may already have a little one or a few. Or you may be just passing through the sorrow of not being able to have any yourself. But my dear, don't let anyone tell you that a mama isn't what you are. You have a mama's heart and you're well on your way to finding that little person that will someday make your heart sing.

I'm here to tell you a few things. Things that I'm glad someone told me and things I wish someone would've said.

First- pray, pray always, pray everything. Yes... God knows what's in your heart, but I encourage  am telling you, say it to Him anyway. Pray, because if you're not in constant communication with God you will get discouraged, you will get angry and you will let things get into your head and heart that shouldn't be there.

Talk to you husband about everything. Everything you feel and think pour it out to him. Let him hold you. Let him tell you what he's thinking and don't judge him for what he says. Talk to each other, have conversations about things. Make sure you're on the same page about what and how much you're telling other people, yes even your best friend and family.

Think before you speak. I've heard it said by many "I have never regretted not saying something, but almost always regretted saying to much". When in doubt don't, is a good rule to have. I have said things out of anger I've regretted (no matter what someone said to bring it on) and I have often regretted saying to much out of excitement.

 You are not crazy (<Please read that again... and again... and again) Someone told me that when I felt my craziest. You are on a hard journey, a journey that will take everything out of you every day. You will probably end many days crying, but its ok. I have told many people when they asked "How are you doing" ... "I am everything". You will feel everything all the time. You will feel every emotion under the sun every day until that baby is in your arms... and probably even after that.

 Your journey doesn't just involve you and your husband. It involves that babies first mama, and possibly her family. You're not only concerned about yourself, but you're concerned about her, and how she's feeling and how she's doing (again I say PRAY. Pray for her, her heart and her family).

As much as you or others will try to convince you to not think about it, there is always a very real chance that first mama will decide to parent, and you need to understand and be ok with that. Guard your heart, but don't you dare be afraid to love that baby and that mama. You don't know why God has put you in her life and what she needs. So again I say love her fearlessly.

Be that first mamas advocate. If your adoption is open, there is a very real possibility that you will be there for the birth. There are many types of people in this world, but two of the types that you will be dealing with that day are helpful people and hurtful people. Figure out who is who. Cling to the helpful and guard from the hurtful. I'm not talking about guarding you, guard that mama. Don't let anyone make her feel small, don't you dare let anyone talk down to her. ESPECIALLY if she is on her own, you are her family and you protect her.

Last I will tell you this. Find someone who's been there. Who's gone through this journey. Cling to them, ask them all the questions at all hours. Don't be afraid to pour out to them, you need that. Your emotional waters will fill up every day and you have to let some out before you break the dam.

You can do this mama, you may not think you can, but I know you can. I know because God is calling you and what He calls you to He will bring you through. 

What I didn't know...

I labored for 13 hours, was awake for well over 40. My body was tired and worn and I wanted to give up, but was encouraged to press on and finally she came. The rush of relief filled my body as they placed her on my chest and I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I waited 9 months to see that little face, to hold those little hands and hear those little first cries. I have held my little girl every day of her life.

The other night as I put both of my babies to bed I thought about both of their lives so far, both of their very different and very beautiful stories of how they came to be mine.

Masons first mama did all of the things I did. She knew him inside of her for all those 9 months. She felt those kicks, she labored, delivered him and heard his first cries. But then she did something that I now more than ever could scarcely imagine doing… she handed him to me.

Having had a miscarriage, having a child biologically and a child through adoption I've seen becoming a parent from many angles. I've been hurt by many knowing and unknowing comments. I've had someone tell me I was selfish for bringing a child into this world when there's so many that need homes, I've heard that I'm cruel for having taken a child from their mother and I've been told that the child I lost was never really mine to have. I can take these comments because they are directed toward me, I can usually fairly easily let things roll off my back. But what I cannot handle is comments about Masons first mama… "I could never 'give my child' away"… they say. Even just typing those words, knowing how many times I've heard them, the anger wells up in my chest like a rock I want to throw at them.

I could say may things, I could throw their words back in their faces I could get angry and yell, but that wouldn't help them understand any more than a slap in the face. "its true" I think… "you probably never could do that" but its not for the reasons they mean. She did… she handed him to me and asked me to be his mother. The beautiful words she spoke to me will forever be tucked away in my heart. She was and is the most beautiful, selfless, giving person I know. She loves him so much more than she loves herself.

I too cannot imagine handing my baby to another woman and asking that woman to be their mother. I too don't know if I would be able to deny myself *That much* to give my child what I knew they needed. But its not because I'm better than her… its because I am not what she is, I am not as strong as she is. My son is so loved but he is loved more deeply by her than any other person… her love is a unique special gift only for him. It’s a love that cannot be replicated and it can never be taken.

Having had a child biologically I have a new understanding of what she did and how great her love is… I have a new appreciation and love for her that I didn't know before

…

A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me” ~Jody Landers.

what they don't see...

I cried today... again. As I carried my screaming 1 month old in the moby wrap to put away laundry, my teething crying 9 month old followed along behind. It was only 9 am and I already felt overwhelmed.

If I'm honest this is more days than I would like to admit... overwhelmed. Mason was so easy as a newborn, he rarely cried other than when he was hungry and I knew exactly what to do when it wasn't hunger crying. I'm still working my way through the list of culprits with Eliza I've been given by *everyone* for fussy babies with no success so far.

I wake up, I feed my crying Eliza from my tired body, I make Mason his beloved eggs and fruit, I clean up I get them dressed all while talking Mason through fits and temper tantrums and bouncing Eliza. Then I catch myself in the mirror... I am neither dressed nor fed and frankly I don't have the brain capacity to put together a decent outfit for myself while the kids pull at my mind and heart strings so jeans and a baggy shirt it is. In that mirror I see all the things I would like to change... stretch marks everywhere, a stomach that looks like a deflated balloon, hips that I've had to accommodate with new wider jeans, sore  aching breasts that are struggling to keep up with the demands of a little blue eyed girl, bags under my eyes from lack of good sleep... the list I see goes on... all I see and think of is flaws...

Defeated is the word that normally comes to mind when people ask how its going, but in our society being defeated as a stay at home mom is not acceptable. Or everyone has a million well meaning suggestions that fall on my completely numb mind. Again in the interest of honesty I usually tell people we are fine and find a funny anecdote from earlier in the week that brought a smile to my face.

I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm failing my kids when I cry with them. The few people I've told this to will tell me I'm wrong and encourage me to the best of their ability but there's something in my mind that won't let me fully believe them. I love my kids more than I ever imagined I could... and feeling like I do makes me feel like I'm not being the mother they deserve... asking for help makes me feel like I'm shirking my responsibility as a parent off onto other people. I pray daily for a clearer mind, I pray that I won't cry when they're both crying at me and I don't know what they want. Neither of them can talk, Mason is in a major learning curve that requires constant vigilance and patience and Eliza is still figuring out "the outside".

Eliza doesnt see stretch marks on a sagging stomach, she sees her home of 9 months, Mason sees his favorite place to lay his head to fall asleep, they see hips that carry them, Eliza sees her source of comfort and food in me. Mason doesn't see the bags under my tired eyes as he stares into them and quietly calls me mama as he falls asleep at night.

I know its all worth it and this is just a stage of life that I'm passing through. I have to give myself the same grace I give my children as they learn... "This is the hardest stage of life they've ever been through" I tell myself as I try to be patient with them.

This is not the end of the world, YES it is hard some weeks have more hard days than not, but I have to cherish this age. I can't let my frustrations keep me from seeing the beautiful moments that my kids are going through.

I can't let what I see ruin me because that's not what they see.

He is ours....

So I just remembered today... I have a blog. Not one that many people read, but still I have one haha. I mostly started this blog as a way to get be more transparent about our adoption process and life leading up to it. Also as a way to pass time until our son arrived. So, to the 5 people that read this, I apologize that you haven't heard from me in a while. Actually you haven't heard from me since about a week before we got out beautiful baby boy and he. is. beautiful. Just like his first mama.

Its crazy to look at all that has happened since we got him, it's crazier even yet to think about that day. I don't broadcast much about it because it wasn't just our day... it wasn't just a beautiful joyous occasion where we became parents. In fact when I think about that day in particular it mostly brings tears. Tears for many reasons, but many of them not purely happy tears. In an effort to keep our sons story HIS I don't share many of the details, but I will say this. His first mama is beautiful... I can scarcely find the words to express how I feel about her. If you've ever adopted you know its a bittersweet experience... I saw a love the likes of which I didn't know existed on this earth for one person from another. Her love for us was and is great, but her love for him was and is boundless. She is brave, sweet, kind, quiet and amazing and I will never grow tired of telling our son about her.


I've discovered in life that God rarely gives me what I think I want when I ask for it. When I pleaded with Him for a child two years ago I had no idea the child I was pleading for wouldn't come from my own body. Dave and I prayed long and hard about what we should do... we knew we were called to be parents, we also knew that we wanted to adopt at some point, but we did not know that those two worlds would collide far sooner than we expected.

In early July of 2016  Dave and I made the decision to start the adoption process and by start I mean start researching what agency and route to use...we knew two things, adoption can be a lengthy process (2 plus years) and there is a steep learning curve when it comes to adopting. So, we RAN up it at full speed. From the start we were following Gods lead (I say that because we basically had no idea what we were doing) all we knew is that we were supposed to be parents and we were supposed to adopt... other than that we were pretty much in the dark. We followed wherever we felt Gods lead and He led us EXACTLY where we were supposed to go, in a hurry! We had no idea that almost 9 months after we decided to start the adoption process, we would be parents.

All that to say, I KNOW for a fact that none of this was by chance. I know that, that beautiful little boy that falls asleep on my chest every night was supposed to be in our lives. It was made even more evident to me that he was meant to be ours when I found out I was pregnant 4 days after we returned home with him. Why, you might ask did our pregnancy make it more evident? Because for so long I wanted to carry a child inside me... I had a plan in my mind of how motherhood would look... first biological then adopted. But now when I look at my son I see neither of those things.... He is not our "adopted son"... he is only our son. Daves, mine and his first mama's.

My children are mine, whether they are adopted or biological, brown, white or black. All of the children that God brings us will be ours and I will never see them any other way. They will all have their own stories, but I will love them all the same.

I forget where the quote is from or who said it...

  "He may not have my eyes or my smile, but he has my heart"

Please don't feed the baby....

As I study adoption more and more I've learned about the varying stages of adoption, some I've already experienced and some I have yet to. One that I think intimidates a lot of adoptive parents (from reading various blogs and posts and talking to my fellow AP's) is bonding with your adoptive child. People outside the adoption world may not understand the concern, but you have to realize as adoptive mothers we didn't grow that baby inside of us for nine months. As adoptive fathers, they didn't snuggle up with mama on the couch to talk to her ever protruding stomach every night after work. These babies don't come out knowing our voices and recognizing our scent. When we first bring these babies home, we are essentially strangers and we will - for the first while - only be Man, Woman and Baby.

I've read the many important ways to bond with our child and various things you normally do daily that promote bonding. Baby wearing, skin to skin, induced breast feeding, bottle feeding skin to skin, diaper changing, eye contact, the list goes on and on. But I've also read the frustrations of my fellow adoptive parents due to lack of education of those around them. Bonding takes time, it takes effort and sometimes takes the cooperation of those around you.

I've read about a mother frustrated by nursery workers at her church because she asked that she be called when the baby was upset so she could be the one to calm him if he got wound up, she asked that she be the only one to feed him his bottle, to change his diapers etc. but the (well meaning though they may have been
) nursery workers thought it was just first time mommy jitters and took it upon themselves to do all these things regardless of her requests.

I've read about a father frustrated because he let a friend hold their new baby at a get together and asked that she not be passed around from stranger to stranger, but the friend didn't think it would hurt anything if it were only a "few" close friends that she was passed between. Then the friends were all insulted when he explained he wished they hadn't done that.

Please understand it is not just that we are "new parents" because some of us aren't (whether we've adopted before or had biological children). Please understand that its not because we don't trust you with our child because we do. And please don't express your unwanted opinions of our parenting because you think we're just being "over protective". It isn't those things at all, we love you all and are so happy you're a part of our children's lives.

But we need them to count on us and to trust us and it isn't going to come as naturally as biological children. We need them to need us and to know that we will be there for them.  We need them to see us as mom and dad and not just another random man or woman that takes care of them. We bond with them through all of the everyday things like feeding and diaper changing, they know us because we aren't just another set of many arms that hold them. Also know that it won't last forever, but there will be a period of time where you may look, but you may not touch. It sounds extreme to some, but all of these things are what take us from "Man, Woman and Baby" to "Father, Mother and Child".

Adoption has nothing to do with me.

We are in the eye of the adoption tornado... I've been staring it down for weeks as it feels like it hovers over my life right now. In the interest of keeping it real without complaining, I will tell you that this waiting to bring our baby home is a huge trial in which we have tried to keep ourselv... *CRASH!*

 *Stands up and walks to window to check on husband whom is currently chopping up massive tree with chainsaw, hears chainsaw start back up and returns to computer*

Tried to keep ourselves busy. My husband keeps himself busy with projects like... chopping up massive fallen trees, and cleaning out the barn. I try by riding my horses as much as I can (which is not fun when its cold) and cleaning. But something has come out of my desire to be patient while in this waiting period, that surprised me. As I've searched for things to do to preoccupy myself one thing has begun happening that I can only chalk up to God. I've been asked to serve more at my church, God has been opening up my eyes to a need in our church, a need in which I find joy in fulfilling. In filling this need its opened my eyes up to a concept that I knew ,but had never thought much of (most of you probably have, but I'm a little behind sometimes)

 

Serve others during your trials...





Silly as it seems, my mind has been blown by this concept of focusing on others during my trial, instead of myself. I've realized how much sense it makes. I'm supposed to trust God to fulfill my needs (*Philippians 4:19*1John 5:14-15*) I am also called to serve those around me and serve in the church where there is need, particularly where God has gifted me (*1Peter 4:10*) So if I'm keeping myself busy by doing what I am called to do and serving where I am called with a genuine heart (caring for my house and husband, and serving others and in the church) then how can I be worried about my trial? *LIGHT BULB!* serve others during my trials.

 

 If I'm honest, I haven't always been the best at seeking out places to serve in the past, ESPECIALLY not during trials. My thought was always, "How can I serve others with a clear heart when I'm going through this awful terrible thing??". My biggest problem was that I was too busy being sad and frustrated at my trial and asking God over and over for what I THOUGHT I needed instead of praying for Gods will, letting Him have it and moving on trusting God to take care of my trial.

Now don't get me wrong... I didn't come to this conclusion on my own... God literally had to put several opportunities to serve in my lap before I finally realized what was happening.

In the interest of keeping it honest, I am dense sometimes. God often has to throw things basically under my feet for me to trip over before I actually put two and two together. But then there's that moment when I finally stop focusing on my own two feet to look up and see what God is asking of me.

 

This adoption is not about me. Its not about my husband. Its not about us as a family. It is about others. Its about our babies first mama and her needs as she goes through this incredibly difficult process and choice, its about her family and their love for her and this baby, its about this amazing tiny human that will yet again display Gods amazing power and love. Its about the amazing people I've gotten to know at our Agency and Christian adoption consultants. Its about educating those around us about this process and showing how closely it relates back to God and His adoption of all of us. Its about being able to look past myself during all of this to serve those around me and trust God to take care of me. Adoption is all about Gods glory and trusting Him, adoption has nothing to do with me.