Waiting...

We are expecting a baby, I am an expectant mother and my husband (Cowboy) an expectant father. We will (at some point) be a family of 3, or 4 who knows? Although my "gestation period" may end up being more the length of an elephant than a human... we are still expecting.

But today it feels like it will never come... today I am discouraged. I work, daily, towards our adoption goal. I am in a perpetual state of sanding little wood rounds and drawing everything twice (first with pencil then permanently) onto hundreds and hundreds of pieces of wood.... I can't feel the ends of my fingers anymore because of hot glue...I pack it all up and go to the farmers market to sell a handful of things and then come home, unpack it all, and make more the next day. I am blessed with an amazing church family seeking to help support our adventure and so I carry custom painted windows, wreaths, wood rounds and cedar planks into church most every Sunday.  My husband works overtime, I pick up little jobs here and there and all because we are expecting... because we are adopting. But it never feels closer...

(My Cowboy "waiting on the trail")

 

I pray for patience, and yes I know the warnings "Don't pray for patience God will bring you trials to be patient through!" trust me... I already have the trial.... I now need the skill. I pray for peace and a calm attitude toward those who do not understand and ask ignorant questions. I pray that I will know what to say to them... and that sometimes I will have the strength to say nothing at all.

But it never feels closer... It feels like I will be sanding, painting and gluing for the rest of my life... always working toward our adoption, but never bringing our baby home....

It sounds strange in my head, but I honestly feel like I miss our baby.... I've never met them, I have no idea when they will come or who they will be, but I miss them. My heart aches when I think about how long it may be until I see them. My empty arms are a constant reminder to me that they aren't here yet. I've never felt this kind of love, the kind of love where your heart feels like it might burst from being so full because of a person that you don't even know... a person that I've no clue if they even exist yet. I didn't even know I could love someone like this... but here I am, shedding all the tears of anticipation, love, excitement and frustration.

One of my sisters said something the other day that resonated with me.... "Just because there are tears, doesn't mean you aren't trusting God." Sometimes faith comes with tears.
I have complete faith in Gods timing, I totally trust that God will bring our baby at the perfect moment and they will be exactly who they are supposed to be.... but when you love someone this much, sometimes the waiting is hard.