"How are you doing?" I'd like to say I'm fine when
they ask, but that would be a lie and I'm not good at faking it. So I respond
with the best smile I can muster and say "I'm everything." It’s the most
truthful thing I can say because no matter who, how or when it is asked I overload…My
brain floods like an old engine with how I am actually doing, and I am…everything.
Everything that I've been feeling and thinking for the last month suddenly
overloads my senses and I can't think of anything else... the words "I'm
fine" don't even register into my brain.
"I'm everything" doesn’t mean I'm doing bad, its
not a call for pity or to show my weakness, but it is honest. I'm so happy that
we are where we are in this process. God has given us more than I had ever
hoped for in this short period of time. The speed in which this journey has
progressed can honestly only be described as mind blowing. I confess that
prayer is really all that's getting me through without having a complete
meltdown.
Its not just my own thoughts and emotions that I'm concerned
with, it’s the thoughts of our future babies first mama. I find myself praying
for her more often than I pray for myself… I can't imagine what she must be
feeling. Literally I cannot imagine. I know how my emotions and thoughts jump
around like a spastic electric circuit, how my feelings and emotions change
quicker and more drastically than the Nebraska
I think about everything that I think… redundant I know, but
that's my brain right now. I think, re think, and think about my re thought
thoughts. I am told "Trust God and you will be fine"… I am aware of
this, and believe me I trust God, if I didn't I don’t know how I would be
dealing with all of this. But as I talk with God about everything I'm feeling I
can't help but continue to think.
My heart is so full, but I feel like I'm trying to drain it
a little. I am afraid…. I'm afraid to love my child because my child isn't mine
yet and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to hold myself back because I
cannot let myself completely fall for this baby just yet, because this is
adoption and the very real possibility always stands that babies first momma
can always decide to parent. I have to be ok with this reality because there
isn't anything wrong with it. It scares me so much, it hurts not to let myself
be completely in love with that baby… to daydream about them in my arms, to
imagine all the things I want them to be and do… but I can't. I have to
remember that baby already has a mother that loves them so very much more than I
can imagine.
So I am everything… all the emotions, all the time. But that’s
ok, because I love that baby so much more than I ever thought I could and this
love is me holding back. I didn't know I could love this much, and I cant even
wrap my brain around when it will be even more.
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