We pray(ed)

Its funny how God answers your prayers.... if I'm honest they're rarely answered the way I expect. But they're answered so much better than I could ever dream.

At the beginning of last year (2016) I made a new years resolution to pray more.  I told God I wanted to pray more, I wanted wisdom, patience, grace, bla bla bla... at least that's what I told myself, but God knew better. God knew my heart... my selfish heart. He knew what I really wanted was to beg Him for a baby, but I tried to put it under the guise what I thought would  sound best when speaking to the almighty God of the universe.... ironically I figured somehow that the God of the universe "wouldn't see" my selfish heart. I chuckle every time I think about how stupid that sounds... "God wouldn't notice."

Little did I know (as always) He would help me pray more... and I would pray for every single thing that I was using to hide behind to make myself feel better. Because that's how God works, His plan is custom designed to take me down the route that He knows will be best. Sometimes that road is a little rougher than I like, but who am I? (just the girl that thinks she can hide things from the omnipotent God *Face Palm*)

I prayed, I prayed often. I prayed for a baby, a baby for me, for Cowboy... for our family. I wanted so much just to be a mom and for Cowboy to be a dad.

 

Slowly I prayed for wisdom, when the realization started to set in that I might not carry that baby. Prayed that we would know what to do when the time came to decide what to do...

I prayed for patience as we waited to find out what to do, whether we were supposed to get tests done or to do adopt or to simply just be us.

Then we decided to adopt, God led us to adoption and we could not have been more overjoyed!

Then.... I prayed for grace. Because to my surprise *sarcastic eye-roll* people say stupid things... rude things, because they do not know our story. They don't know our journey to get here.

Recently I listened to a podcast by John Piper called "Pray like this...". If you want a kick in the pants I would suggest you listen to it. God is amazing ya'll. He broke my heart.... sounds funny doesn't it? I'm so grateful that He broke my heart... because when He broke my heart I could see through the cracks past my selfishness. (Jeremiah 17:9) He broke my heart I saw past myself and I saw His heart inside me... and I like it so much better than my own. His heart makes me wiser, more patient, and gives me grace.

God answers prayer... and so we pray.

I dream...

I had another dream last night

its about you...

 

You're there in my arms, I know your name, what you look like, the color of your skin, the texture of your hair, the color of your eyes, where you came from, what your laugh sounds like, this dream feels so real...

 

but then I wake up... I burst awake... I search the room for you but I am back in reality and you're not there and I can barely remember you at all now that my eyes are open and I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I know is that I knew you when I was asleep.

 

It feels like its so close, the end of all this... or the beginning, its both at the same time.

 

I am told not to but I do. I daydream, I daydream often about so many things. I daydream about when we get a phone call that will change our lives forever, I daydream about meeting our babies birth mother and all the things I want to say to her about how I want to be a listening ear for her. I daydream about our baby and who they will be and the kind of mother I want to be for them. I daydream about all the adventures, both big and small, we will have as a family.

 

Its like a room in my mind that I shut myself in without realizing it, a room that gives me just a little hope when I feel like our journey to you will never end...

 

How do I keep my mind busy? How do I keep my heart in check? I feel like a huge balloon being pushed down under a blanket... I try so hard to keep myself in check

 

 

because we have no idea how much longer this will go on. There is no end in sight....

 

 

My sweet baby, I'm already in love with you... I know they say I shouldn't be.... that I should wait... that I shouldn't think to much about you... that I should control my emotions... but I can't help myself. You're in my heart, my heart so full of love that it hurts, so full of love that it could burst...

 

"You will fall in love at the most unexpected time, with the most unexpected person"

To blessed...

I had no idea... no clue when we started this adventure how many people would impact us. People we know, people we don't know and people we now know but may never meet in person.

 

I want to type something here about how we're only halfway through and are amazed by all the blessings God is providing in this journey, but we aren't... or we may be further along than I think. We have no clue.... this isn't just a 9 month venture where we getting a happy wrinkly little person placed in or arms at the end and reminisce about the beautiful process it was to get to that point. It could be done and onto the next journey of raising our baby before we know it... or it could last much, much longer a length of time I couldn't even begin to guess.

 

in this process I get angry some days... some days I lay on the floor and beg God to take away my anger because of things that I read and what people say about adopting parents. Things that I don't know why I read because I know they will make me angry, or I'm angry because we have to depend on other people to help us bring our baby home... I forget that even what seem like mistakes on other peoples parts that feel like they are making the road to our child stretch our longer and farther are still part of Gods plan... they are not throwing His perfectly mastered timeline out of whack like they do in the plans I laid out in my head. Then God puts it on a friends heart to message me and let me know they're praying for us.

 

in this process some days (more often than I care to admit) I cry... because all I want is for my arms not to be empty anymore to feel like they're waiting to be filled with the tiny little person my heart knows we are coming for. I cry because I forget... I forget to rely on God and not myself. I forget to tell Him my woe's and instead I bottle them up because I think I can handle my heart on my own, but I can't. Then I get a completely random message from a fellow adoptive momma that I've never met just encouraging me to keep pressing on.

 

Its amazing... it can only be God putting it on these people's hearts, because by all other counts it is totally random.

 

So I will say we are "in" this process and again I am amazed by God... I am amazed how He places someone in my way to show His glory always at just the right time. He reminds me that He is in control and I am not... which as much as I don't like it at times, it is exactly what I need to hear. But if I'm honest I am so glad I'm not in control... because I forget that I need these seemingly random blessings in strangers, the random facebook messages from fellow adopting moms, the encouragements from others who have walked this road, donations from both complete strangers and people that we know. Our arms may feel empty at times, but our hearts are so full. Full of Gods mercy and blessings that we can never figure out.

 

We'd like to think that we could do this on our own... to think that we don't have to depend on others to get through this process, but we can't. We need the prayers, we need the loving notes, we need the advice (sometimes ;) ) we need the understanding ears, we need the blessings that you all are to us.

 

I've heard the saying "It takes a village", I never really thought much of it until now... but it does. God gives us what we need when we need it, and sometimes we need a village.

 

 

"open"

Open.... A word that I know well. Growing up my parents wanted me to be "open" with them, they wanted to support me to hear what I was thinking (obviously within reason and with respect) My siblings have all always been very "open" with me. Telling me when they thought I was being unwise, talking to me about my life and theirs.

Now this word... this "open" word has taken on a totally new meaning to me. In thinking about adoption, this word scared my husband and myself for a long while. It scared us because it seemed more like leaving a door open to unknown trouble more than leaving ourselves open to love. Now you're probably confused as to what I'm talking about... let me explain.

 

The person I'm referring to loving isn't our baby, we have no fears about loving the child to come, but there's another openness in adoption that before, seemed scary. Being open with the birth mother of our future child. Letting our child have an open relationship with their birth mother... it seemed absolutely terrifying if I'm honest. What if she didn't have the best living situation, what if she's escaping an abuse situation, what if she's a recovering drug addict, what if what if what if.... now I'm not saying that every birth mother potentially seeking adoption falls into these categories, but what if she does? That "what if" seemed so scary before because of the unknowns it brings.

 

But after reading story after story, talking to people on both sides of the fence and praying.... and praying and praying and praying....we have come to this conclusion.

 

What if she is one of those seemingly scary scenarios? What if she comes with baggage? Would we still be open? There are so many variables to this situation, but at this point I can say, that if being open with her doesn't bring direct harm to us or our child, and she wants some degree of openness, why wouldn't we be open? My husband and I are professing believers in Christ as our savior, and in being that I can't imagine turning my back on this woman. How is this not the perfect opportunity to show Gods love?

 

If I'm not mistaken Jesus had some seemingly questionable company at times, but He only wanted to show them love. No he didn't support them financially, or join in with their questionable activities, but He loved them and shared Gods love with them. He told them stories of salvation, and was an example to them of what a Christian is. He didn't turn His back on them because they didn't follow the moral code of the other supposed "good people". He was there for those who had lost their way in life.

 

Why can't we put ourselves aside to be there for an expectant mother who needs someone. Maybe she doesn't have a listening ear in someone she knows, maybe she just needs someone who loves her regardless of poor choices she's possibly made.

 

I don't know who our birth mother will be, I don't know what she will look like or what kind of life she will have. But we at this point have made a choice to love her regardless, just as we have made a choice to love a baby that we don't know yet. Just as God made a choice to love us regardless of who we are or what we've done.

 

Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry."

 

 

Who I want to be.

I think a lot about the mother I want to be, I grew up with amazing examples of what a mother should look like. I spent most Wednesdays at my grandmothers house growing up, she taught me how to sew and cook. She did my school with me and always figured out a way to weave a verse from her devotions into my schoolwork.

 

My mother taught me what a wife and mother should look like. She homeschooled my siblings and myself and was the epitome of a farmers wife. I grew up finding her doing devotions in her bed in the mornings, tailoring our schoolwork so that each of us kids learned in our own way. School was more than learning what was in the books, it was experiments in the kitchen, finding bugs and plants outside and sometimes it was going over to the shop to "help" dad while he worked on equipment.

 

She taught us to cook, clean and sew, to laugh at ourselves (and sometimes each other) she picked us up when we fell, supported us when we wanted to try something new, she let us lick the spatula, play in the dirt, and make mistakes. Best of all she taught us to love the Lord in all of it.

 

I'm aware that in particular stages of my life I wasn't the easiest child to deal with, as with most my mid to late teen years were riddled with me trying to make my own decisions (which is the tactful way of saying, I was a rebellious little turd) 

But of all the things my mother did for me, the one I appreciate the most now is that she always prayed for me. I didn't actually accept salvation until I was 24. I tried to claim it many times, but I wanted a get out of hell free card, not a relationship with God. I tried to find my own way and live for myself

 and made quite a few poor choices, but my mom never turned her back on me. I was well aware that she didn't agree with things that I did, but as clear as she made that to me, I never doubted that she loved me. She struck the beautiful balance between supporting me and loving me, but letting me know that what I was doing was not what a follower of Christ should do.

 

I told her about most everything, and she was the first person I told when I finally accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and found a genuine relationship with Him.

 

That is the mom I want to be. I want to trust God to work His plan in our kids hearts. I want our kids to know that they can always come to me, that I will always be there for them, even though they know I might not agree with them. I want them to always feel loved and protected. but I want to always be honest with them. I want to be their mom.

 

I already pray for our kids, I pray that God will work in their hearts, I pray that they will make good choices in life. But I also pray that we will be the parents they deserve I pray that they will always feel loved.

Love without Fear...

What can I say? How am I supposed to react to comments that make my blood boil? I am a Christian, but that does not require me to be a punching bag for cruel comments. Jesus went into the temple flipping tables and yelling, but the "world" expects me to be a verbal doormat.

As explained previously, we are expectant parents, which means that my momma bear hormones are fully engaged. Of all the comments that feel like a dagger to the heart, "Maybe you'll get pregnant instead" is the serrated edge. Like somehow our adopted baby is the second best option to biological children.

 

Adoption has always been on the table for cowboy and I. Although its come along a little sooner than we expected, it was always part of the plan. Now that we have committed to this adventure, I jokingly tell people I am "paper pregnant" but its less a joke and more fact than what I think people realize. I love our baby so much, I am anticipating their arrival! If I were to (by some crazy miracle) get pregnant now, We wouldn't discard our adoption, or "put it on hold". I would merely tell people that we were (in a round about sort of way) now expecting twins!

 

I view our adopted baby just the same as I viewed the baby we lost over a year ago... yes my cowboy and I experienced a miscarriage about a year and a half ago. I wasn't far along, and we found out at our very first appointment that our baby had no heartbeat. You cannot (or maybe you can) imagine the high and low of that day... I have never gone from such utter excitement to absolute soul crushing pain in one instant. That child had consumed my every thought for weeks, I imagined what they might look like, if they would be a boy or girl, and everything else that goes along with what you think when you find out you're expecting. and all in one moment I realized that I would never see them, hold them or tell them I loved them. Going through and grieving that loss was easily the most painful thing I've had to do in my life.

 

Please, don't believe for one moment that we are adopting to "replace" the baby we lost. That baby is and will always be our first child, and nothing will change that. I've heard from many that God brought them through a terrible trial so that His direction would be clear. In the words of a doctor (on a TV show) "Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you have to make something that resembles lemonade." That miscarriage and the loss of that baby was meant to lead us in this direction.

 

God created cowboy and I with hearts full of love, and a desire to have a family. As I look back at the trials we have endured together I can see the people He has been molding us into. People that have the ability to love any child he brings us fearlessly and completely.

I am heard by many and understood by few when I say that I love both of my children. Both of whom I have never met. Both of whom I will meet someday.

 

Waiting...

We are expecting a baby, I am an expectant mother and my husband (Cowboy) an expectant father. We will (at some point) be a family of 3, or 4 who knows? Although my "gestation period" may end up being more the length of an elephant than a human... we are still expecting.

But today it feels like it will never come... today I am discouraged. I work, daily, towards our adoption goal. I am in a perpetual state of sanding little wood rounds and drawing everything twice (first with pencil then permanently) onto hundreds and hundreds of pieces of wood.... I can't feel the ends of my fingers anymore because of hot glue...I pack it all up and go to the farmers market to sell a handful of things and then come home, unpack it all, and make more the next day. I am blessed with an amazing church family seeking to help support our adventure and so I carry custom painted windows, wreaths, wood rounds and cedar planks into church most every Sunday.  My husband works overtime, I pick up little jobs here and there and all because we are expecting... because we are adopting. But it never feels closer...

(My Cowboy "waiting on the trail")

 

I pray for patience, and yes I know the warnings "Don't pray for patience God will bring you trials to be patient through!" trust me... I already have the trial.... I now need the skill. I pray for peace and a calm attitude toward those who do not understand and ask ignorant questions. I pray that I will know what to say to them... and that sometimes I will have the strength to say nothing at all.

But it never feels closer... It feels like I will be sanding, painting and gluing for the rest of my life... always working toward our adoption, but never bringing our baby home....

It sounds strange in my head, but I honestly feel like I miss our baby.... I've never met them, I have no idea when they will come or who they will be, but I miss them. My heart aches when I think about how long it may be until I see them. My empty arms are a constant reminder to me that they aren't here yet. I've never felt this kind of love, the kind of love where your heart feels like it might burst from being so full because of a person that you don't even know... a person that I've no clue if they even exist yet. I didn't even know I could love someone like this... but here I am, shedding all the tears of anticipation, love, excitement and frustration.

One of my sisters said something the other day that resonated with me.... "Just because there are tears, doesn't mean you aren't trusting God." Sometimes faith comes with tears.
I have complete faith in Gods timing, I totally trust that God will bring our baby at the perfect moment and they will be exactly who they are supposed to be.... but when you love someone this much, sometimes the waiting is hard.