It happened....

It happened. Everyone warned me when we got into adoption that this would happen. I figured it would to an extent, but I never imagined the depth to which it would effect me. I think about it every day, it has taken up residence in my heart and mind. I want to protect it, I'm willing to stand up to anyone for it. It boils my blood when people speak ignorantly of it without any care to the people that what they're saying could effect.


Adoption will consume you. Not in a "You can't function enough to do or think about anything else" way. But in a "Its a part of everything you do and think" way. You cannot imagine the way it takes a place in your heart. And when God calls you to it, you suddenly have no fear. Its crazy to think that when Dave and I started, we were adamant that we wanted a closed adoption, then with Masons adoption by the time we were matched we were so excited for an open adoption. We were heartbroken when we were first told that his first mama wanted to be closed. I prayed, I asked our consultant to urge her to reconsider. I wanted to know the woman that loved my son as much as me, as much as us. I can't imagine how my heart would've broken if she hadn't changed her mind and decided to be open.

Then we were sure that we would never be open to adoption from foster care... let alone a sibling group.... let alone a large sibling group. Now... well lets just say now God is opening our hearts yet again. He's showing us that we are more capable, that we have more love to give than we ever thought possible.

Recently I came across a sibling group of three boys in Arkansas. Something about them drew me in... consumed me. Suddenly it was more than just a casual glancing through a few profiles because i was curious... I felt like I had seen boys... that were meant to be my sons. I did my best to push away the feelings, we are not in a place, or house, that would ever get home study approved. We don't have the funds saved, we don't have the space. I told myself I was just getting worked up for nothing. I tried to pray the feelings -the ache for these sweet boys- away, but it wouldn't go away. I had shown their profile to Dave, and he fell in love with them too. We both felt drawn to these boys, but we didn't understand why.

This is the part where I'm going to give you hopeful adoptive mama's a tip. Have at least ONE person, that you can talk to, that has been through adoption and that has a love of adoption. Someone you can go to in times like mine to talk to. Because as well meaning as others are, they will not understand the ache in your heart. They'll do their best, they'll smile, they'll nod. But they'll make you feel like you're talking about a puppy you saw at the pound that you'd like to bring home. When I saw these boys, it was like I had seen Mason. Waiting to be taken home, longing for a family. I felt like they were my sons and there was nothing I could do to bring them home.

Those boys have since been adopted (praise the Lord). They had been in foster care for most of their childhoods.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why God would give me such a love for those boys, but not give me the ability to bring them home. But a wise friend (my "been there, love that" adoption friend) told me this "Maybe they were supposed to show you what God is going to do with you".

Maybe God was using those boys, to show us what plans He has for us. Priming us to be open to adoption from foster care. Showing me that there is no limit of the children we will love. That motherhood (and fatherhood) will come in many different ways because its not just a love of adoption, its a love of parenthood.

 It hurts a little still, that we weren't able to bring THOSE boys home. Their faces are still in my heart and mind, and I still pray for them. But seeing and falling in love with those boys, made me even more excited for what God is bringing for us. Even more excited for His plan for us. He has made adoption not just a piece of our story, but a part of who we are.

Dear mama...

Dear mama,

You may just be starting on this journey or just starting to think about it, you may already have a little one or a few. Or you may be just passing through the sorrow of not being able to have any yourself. But my dear, don't let anyone tell you that a mama isn't what you are. You have a mama's heart and you're well on your way to finding that little person that will someday make your heart sing.

I'm here to tell you a few things. Things that I'm glad someone told me and things I wish someone would've said.

First- pray, pray always, pray everything. Yes... God knows what's in your heart, but I encourage  am telling you, say it to Him anyway. Pray, because if you're not in constant communication with God you will get discouraged, you will get angry and you will let things get into your head and heart that shouldn't be there.

Talk to you husband about everything. Everything you feel and think pour it out to him. Let him hold you. Let him tell you what he's thinking and don't judge him for what he says. Talk to each other, have conversations about things. Make sure you're on the same page about what and how much you're telling other people, yes even your best friend and family.

Think before you speak. I've heard it said by many "I have never regretted not saying something, but almost always regretted saying to much". When in doubt don't, is a good rule to have. I have said things out of anger I've regretted (no matter what someone said to bring it on) and I have often regretted saying to much out of excitement.

 You are not crazy (<Please read that again... and again... and again) Someone told me that when I felt my craziest. You are on a hard journey, a journey that will take everything out of you every day. You will probably end many days crying, but its ok. I have told many people when they asked "How are you doing" ... "I am everything". You will feel everything all the time. You will feel every emotion under the sun every day until that baby is in your arms... and probably even after that.

 Your journey doesn't just involve you and your husband. It involves that babies first mama, and possibly her family. You're not only concerned about yourself, but you're concerned about her, and how she's feeling and how she's doing (again I say PRAY. Pray for her, her heart and her family).

As much as you or others will try to convince you to not think about it, there is always a very real chance that first mama will decide to parent, and you need to understand and be ok with that. Guard your heart, but don't you dare be afraid to love that baby and that mama. You don't know why God has put you in her life and what she needs. So again I say love her fearlessly.

Be that first mamas advocate. If your adoption is open, there is a very real possibility that you will be there for the birth. There are many types of people in this world, but two of the types that you will be dealing with that day are helpful people and hurtful people. Figure out who is who. Cling to the helpful and guard from the hurtful. I'm not talking about guarding you, guard that mama. Don't let anyone make her feel small, don't you dare let anyone talk down to her. ESPECIALLY if she is on her own, you are her family and you protect her.

Last I will tell you this. Find someone who's been there. Who's gone through this journey. Cling to them, ask them all the questions at all hours. Don't be afraid to pour out to them, you need that. Your emotional waters will fill up every day and you have to let some out before you break the dam.

You can do this mama, you may not think you can, but I know you can. I know because God is calling you and what He calls you to He will bring you through. 

What I didn't know...

I labored for 13 hours, was awake for well over 40. My body was tired and worn and I wanted to give up, but was encouraged to press on and finally she came. The rush of relief filled my body as they placed her on my chest and I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I waited 9 months to see that little face, to hold those little hands and hear those little first cries. I have held my little girl every day of her life.

The other night as I put both of my babies to bed I thought about both of their lives so far, both of their very different and very beautiful stories of how they came to be mine.

Masons first mama did all of the things I did. She knew him inside of her for all those 9 months. She felt those kicks, she labored, delivered him and heard his first cries. But then she did something that I now more than ever could scarcely imagine doing… she handed him to me.

Having had a miscarriage, having a child biologically and a child through adoption I've seen becoming a parent from many angles. I've been hurt by many knowing and unknowing comments. I've had someone tell me I was selfish for bringing a child into this world when there's so many that need homes, I've heard that I'm cruel for having taken a child from their mother and I've been told that the child I lost was never really mine to have. I can take these comments because they are directed toward me, I can usually fairly easily let things roll off my back. But what I cannot handle is comments about Masons first mama… "I could never 'give my child' away"… they say. Even just typing those words, knowing how many times I've heard them, the anger wells up in my chest like a rock I want to throw at them.

I could say may things, I could throw their words back in their faces I could get angry and yell, but that wouldn't help them understand any more than a slap in the face. "its true" I think… "you probably never could do that" but its not for the reasons they mean. She did… she handed him to me and asked me to be his mother. The beautiful words she spoke to me will forever be tucked away in my heart. She was and is the most beautiful, selfless, giving person I know. She loves him so much more than she loves herself.

I too cannot imagine handing my baby to another woman and asking that woman to be their mother. I too don't know if I would be able to deny myself *That much* to give my child what I knew they needed. But its not because I'm better than her… its because I am not what she is, I am not as strong as she is. My son is so loved but he is loved more deeply by her than any other person… her love is a unique special gift only for him. It’s a love that cannot be replicated and it can never be taken.

Having had a child biologically I have a new understanding of what she did and how great her love is… I have a new appreciation and love for her that I didn't know before

…

A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy & the depth of that privilege are not lost on me” ~Jody Landers.

what they don't see...

I cried today... again. As I carried my screaming 1 month old in the moby wrap to put away laundry, my teething crying 9 month old followed along behind. It was only 9 am and I already felt overwhelmed.

If I'm honest this is more days than I would like to admit... overwhelmed. Mason was so easy as a newborn, he rarely cried other than when he was hungry and I knew exactly what to do when it wasn't hunger crying. I'm still working my way through the list of culprits with Eliza I've been given by *everyone* for fussy babies with no success so far.

I wake up, I feed my crying Eliza from my tired body, I make Mason his beloved eggs and fruit, I clean up I get them dressed all while talking Mason through fits and temper tantrums and bouncing Eliza. Then I catch myself in the mirror... I am neither dressed nor fed and frankly I don't have the brain capacity to put together a decent outfit for myself while the kids pull at my mind and heart strings so jeans and a baggy shirt it is. In that mirror I see all the things I would like to change... stretch marks everywhere, a stomach that looks like a deflated balloon, hips that I've had to accommodate with new wider jeans, sore  aching breasts that are struggling to keep up with the demands of a little blue eyed girl, bags under my eyes from lack of good sleep... the list I see goes on... all I see and think of is flaws...

Defeated is the word that normally comes to mind when people ask how its going, but in our society being defeated as a stay at home mom is not acceptable. Or everyone has a million well meaning suggestions that fall on my completely numb mind. Again in the interest of honesty I usually tell people we are fine and find a funny anecdote from earlier in the week that brought a smile to my face.

I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm failing my kids when I cry with them. The few people I've told this to will tell me I'm wrong and encourage me to the best of their ability but there's something in my mind that won't let me fully believe them. I love my kids more than I ever imagined I could... and feeling like I do makes me feel like I'm not being the mother they deserve... asking for help makes me feel like I'm shirking my responsibility as a parent off onto other people. I pray daily for a clearer mind, I pray that I won't cry when they're both crying at me and I don't know what they want. Neither of them can talk, Mason is in a major learning curve that requires constant vigilance and patience and Eliza is still figuring out "the outside".

Eliza doesnt see stretch marks on a sagging stomach, she sees her home of 9 months, Mason sees his favorite place to lay his head to fall asleep, they see hips that carry them, Eliza sees her source of comfort and food in me. Mason doesn't see the bags under my tired eyes as he stares into them and quietly calls me mama as he falls asleep at night.

I know its all worth it and this is just a stage of life that I'm passing through. I have to give myself the same grace I give my children as they learn... "This is the hardest stage of life they've ever been through" I tell myself as I try to be patient with them.

This is not the end of the world, YES it is hard some weeks have more hard days than not, but I have to cherish this age. I can't let my frustrations keep me from seeing the beautiful moments that my kids are going through.

I can't let what I see ruin me because that's not what they see.

He is ours....

So I just remembered today... I have a blog. Not one that many people read, but still I have one haha. I mostly started this blog as a way to get be more transparent about our adoption process and life leading up to it. Also as a way to pass time until our son arrived. So, to the 5 people that read this, I apologize that you haven't heard from me in a while. Actually you haven't heard from me since about a week before we got out beautiful baby boy and he. is. beautiful. Just like his first mama.

Its crazy to look at all that has happened since we got him, it's crazier even yet to think about that day. I don't broadcast much about it because it wasn't just our day... it wasn't just a beautiful joyous occasion where we became parents. In fact when I think about that day in particular it mostly brings tears. Tears for many reasons, but many of them not purely happy tears. In an effort to keep our sons story HIS I don't share many of the details, but I will say this. His first mama is beautiful... I can scarcely find the words to express how I feel about her. If you've ever adopted you know its a bittersweet experience... I saw a love the likes of which I didn't know existed on this earth for one person from another. Her love for us was and is great, but her love for him was and is boundless. She is brave, sweet, kind, quiet and amazing and I will never grow tired of telling our son about her.


I've discovered in life that God rarely gives me what I think I want when I ask for it. When I pleaded with Him for a child two years ago I had no idea the child I was pleading for wouldn't come from my own body. Dave and I prayed long and hard about what we should do... we knew we were called to be parents, we also knew that we wanted to adopt at some point, but we did not know that those two worlds would collide far sooner than we expected.

In early July of 2016  Dave and I made the decision to start the adoption process and by start I mean start researching what agency and route to use...we knew two things, adoption can be a lengthy process (2 plus years) and there is a steep learning curve when it comes to adopting. So, we RAN up it at full speed. From the start we were following Gods lead (I say that because we basically had no idea what we were doing) all we knew is that we were supposed to be parents and we were supposed to adopt... other than that we were pretty much in the dark. We followed wherever we felt Gods lead and He led us EXACTLY where we were supposed to go, in a hurry! We had no idea that almost 9 months after we decided to start the adoption process, we would be parents.

All that to say, I KNOW for a fact that none of this was by chance. I know that, that beautiful little boy that falls asleep on my chest every night was supposed to be in our lives. It was made even more evident to me that he was meant to be ours when I found out I was pregnant 4 days after we returned home with him. Why, you might ask did our pregnancy make it more evident? Because for so long I wanted to carry a child inside me... I had a plan in my mind of how motherhood would look... first biological then adopted. But now when I look at my son I see neither of those things.... He is not our "adopted son"... he is only our son. Daves, mine and his first mama's.

My children are mine, whether they are adopted or biological, brown, white or black. All of the children that God brings us will be ours and I will never see them any other way. They will all have their own stories, but I will love them all the same.

I forget where the quote is from or who said it...

  "He may not have my eyes or my smile, but he has my heart"

Please don't feed the baby....

As I study adoption more and more I've learned about the varying stages of adoption, some I've already experienced and some I have yet to. One that I think intimidates a lot of adoptive parents (from reading various blogs and posts and talking to my fellow AP's) is bonding with your adoptive child. People outside the adoption world may not understand the concern, but you have to realize as adoptive mothers we didn't grow that baby inside of us for nine months. As adoptive fathers, they didn't snuggle up with mama on the couch to talk to her ever protruding stomach every night after work. These babies don't come out knowing our voices and recognizing our scent. When we first bring these babies home, we are essentially strangers and we will - for the first while - only be Man, Woman and Baby.

I've read the many important ways to bond with our child and various things you normally do daily that promote bonding. Baby wearing, skin to skin, induced breast feeding, bottle feeding skin to skin, diaper changing, eye contact, the list goes on and on. But I've also read the frustrations of my fellow adoptive parents due to lack of education of those around them. Bonding takes time, it takes effort and sometimes takes the cooperation of those around you.

I've read about a mother frustrated by nursery workers at her church because she asked that she be called when the baby was upset so she could be the one to calm him if he got wound up, she asked that she be the only one to feed him his bottle, to change his diapers etc. but the (well meaning though they may have been
) nursery workers thought it was just first time mommy jitters and took it upon themselves to do all these things regardless of her requests.

I've read about a father frustrated because he let a friend hold their new baby at a get together and asked that she not be passed around from stranger to stranger, but the friend didn't think it would hurt anything if it were only a "few" close friends that she was passed between. Then the friends were all insulted when he explained he wished they hadn't done that.

Please understand it is not just that we are "new parents" because some of us aren't (whether we've adopted before or had biological children). Please understand that its not because we don't trust you with our child because we do. And please don't express your unwanted opinions of our parenting because you think we're just being "over protective". It isn't those things at all, we love you all and are so happy you're a part of our children's lives.

But we need them to count on us and to trust us and it isn't going to come as naturally as biological children. We need them to need us and to know that we will be there for them.  We need them to see us as mom and dad and not just another random man or woman that takes care of them. We bond with them through all of the everyday things like feeding and diaper changing, they know us because we aren't just another set of many arms that hold them. Also know that it won't last forever, but there will be a period of time where you may look, but you may not touch. It sounds extreme to some, but all of these things are what take us from "Man, Woman and Baby" to "Father, Mother and Child".

Adoption has nothing to do with me.

We are in the eye of the adoption tornado... I've been staring it down for weeks as it feels like it hovers over my life right now. In the interest of keeping it real without complaining, I will tell you that this waiting to bring our baby home is a huge trial in which we have tried to keep ourselv... *CRASH!*

 *Stands up and walks to window to check on husband whom is currently chopping up massive tree with chainsaw, hears chainsaw start back up and returns to computer*

Tried to keep ourselves busy. My husband keeps himself busy with projects like... chopping up massive fallen trees, and cleaning out the barn. I try by riding my horses as much as I can (which is not fun when its cold) and cleaning. But something has come out of my desire to be patient while in this waiting period, that surprised me. As I've searched for things to do to preoccupy myself one thing has begun happening that I can only chalk up to God. I've been asked to serve more at my church, God has been opening up my eyes to a need in our church, a need in which I find joy in fulfilling. In filling this need its opened my eyes up to a concept that I knew ,but had never thought much of (most of you probably have, but I'm a little behind sometimes)

 

Serve others during your trials...





Silly as it seems, my mind has been blown by this concept of focusing on others during my trial, instead of myself. I've realized how much sense it makes. I'm supposed to trust God to fulfill my needs (*Philippians 4:19*1John 5:14-15*) I am also called to serve those around me and serve in the church where there is need, particularly where God has gifted me (*1Peter 4:10*) So if I'm keeping myself busy by doing what I am called to do and serving where I am called with a genuine heart (caring for my house and husband, and serving others and in the church) then how can I be worried about my trial? *LIGHT BULB!* serve others during my trials.

 

 If I'm honest, I haven't always been the best at seeking out places to serve in the past, ESPECIALLY not during trials. My thought was always, "How can I serve others with a clear heart when I'm going through this awful terrible thing??". My biggest problem was that I was too busy being sad and frustrated at my trial and asking God over and over for what I THOUGHT I needed instead of praying for Gods will, letting Him have it and moving on trusting God to take care of my trial.

Now don't get me wrong... I didn't come to this conclusion on my own... God literally had to put several opportunities to serve in my lap before I finally realized what was happening.

In the interest of keeping it honest, I am dense sometimes. God often has to throw things basically under my feet for me to trip over before I actually put two and two together. But then there's that moment when I finally stop focusing on my own two feet to look up and see what God is asking of me.

 

This adoption is not about me. Its not about my husband. Its not about us as a family. It is about others. Its about our babies first mama and her needs as she goes through this incredibly difficult process and choice, its about her family and their love for her and this baby, its about this amazing tiny human that will yet again display Gods amazing power and love. Its about the amazing people I've gotten to know at our Agency and Christian adoption consultants. Its about educating those around us about this process and showing how closely it relates back to God and His adoption of all of us. Its about being able to look past myself during all of this to serve those around me and trust God to take care of me. Adoption is all about Gods glory and trusting Him, adoption has nothing to do with me.

I am everything...

"How are you doing?" I'd like to say I'm fine when they ask, but that would be a lie and I'm not good at faking it. So I respond with the best smile I can muster and say "I'm everything." It’s the most truthful thing I can say because no matter who, how or when it is asked I overload…My brain floods like an old engine with how I am actually doing, and I am…everything. Everything that I've been feeling and thinking for the last month suddenly overloads my senses and I can't think of anything else... the words "I'm fine" don't even register into my brain.

 

"I'm everything" doesn’t mean I'm doing bad, its not a call for pity or to show my weakness, but it is honest. I'm so happy that we are where we are in this process. God has given us more than I had ever hoped for in this short period of time. The speed in which this journey has progressed can honestly only be described as mind blowing. I confess that prayer is really all that's getting me through without having a complete meltdown.

 

Its not just my own thoughts and emotions that I'm concerned with, it’s the thoughts of our future babies first mama. I find myself praying for her more often than I pray for myself… I can't imagine what she must be feeling. Literally I cannot imagine. I know how my emotions and thoughts jump around like a spastic electric circuit, how my feelings and emotions change quicker and more drastically than the Nebraska weather. My heart just aches for her… so I pray.

 

I think about everything that I think… redundant I know, but that's my brain right now. I think, re think, and think about my re thought thoughts. I am told "Trust God and you will be fine"… I am aware of this, and believe me I trust God, if I didn't I don’t know how I would be dealing with all of this. But as I talk with God about everything I'm feeling I can't help but continue to think.

 

My heart is so full, but I feel like I'm trying to drain it a little. I am afraid…. I'm afraid to love my child because my child isn't mine yet and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to hold myself back because I cannot let myself completely fall for this baby just yet, because this is adoption and the very real possibility always stands that babies first momma can always decide to parent. I have to be ok with this reality because there isn't anything wrong with it. It scares me so much, it hurts not to let myself be completely in love with that baby… to daydream about them in my arms, to imagine all the things I want them to be and do… but I can't. I have to remember that baby already has a mother that loves them so very much more than I can imagine.

 

So I am everything… all the emotions, all the time. But that’s ok, because I love that baby so much more than I ever thought I could and this love is me holding back. I didn't know I could love this much, and I cant even wrap my brain around when it will be even more.

We pray(ed)

Its funny how God answers your prayers.... if I'm honest they're rarely answered the way I expect. But they're answered so much better than I could ever dream.

At the beginning of last year (2016) I made a new years resolution to pray more.  I told God I wanted to pray more, I wanted wisdom, patience, grace, bla bla bla... at least that's what I told myself, but God knew better. God knew my heart... my selfish heart. He knew what I really wanted was to beg Him for a baby, but I tried to put it under the guise what I thought would  sound best when speaking to the almighty God of the universe.... ironically I figured somehow that the God of the universe "wouldn't see" my selfish heart. I chuckle every time I think about how stupid that sounds... "God wouldn't notice."

Little did I know (as always) He would help me pray more... and I would pray for every single thing that I was using to hide behind to make myself feel better. Because that's how God works, His plan is custom designed to take me down the route that He knows will be best. Sometimes that road is a little rougher than I like, but who am I? (just the girl that thinks she can hide things from the omnipotent God *Face Palm*)

I prayed, I prayed often. I prayed for a baby, a baby for me, for Cowboy... for our family. I wanted so much just to be a mom and for Cowboy to be a dad.

 

Slowly I prayed for wisdom, when the realization started to set in that I might not carry that baby. Prayed that we would know what to do when the time came to decide what to do...

I prayed for patience as we waited to find out what to do, whether we were supposed to get tests done or to do adopt or to simply just be us.

Then we decided to adopt, God led us to adoption and we could not have been more overjoyed!

Then.... I prayed for grace. Because to my surprise *sarcastic eye-roll* people say stupid things... rude things, because they do not know our story. They don't know our journey to get here.

Recently I listened to a podcast by John Piper called "Pray like this...". If you want a kick in the pants I would suggest you listen to it. God is amazing ya'll. He broke my heart.... sounds funny doesn't it? I'm so grateful that He broke my heart... because when He broke my heart I could see through the cracks past my selfishness. (Jeremiah 17:9) He broke my heart I saw past myself and I saw His heart inside me... and I like it so much better than my own. His heart makes me wiser, more patient, and gives me grace.

God answers prayer... and so we pray.

I dream...

I had another dream last night

its about you...

 

You're there in my arms, I know your name, what you look like, the color of your skin, the texture of your hair, the color of your eyes, where you came from, what your laugh sounds like, this dream feels so real...

 

but then I wake up... I burst awake... I search the room for you but I am back in reality and you're not there and I can barely remember you at all now that my eyes are open and I feel like I'm losing my mind. All I know is that I knew you when I was asleep.

 

It feels like its so close, the end of all this... or the beginning, its both at the same time.

 

I am told not to but I do. I daydream, I daydream often about so many things. I daydream about when we get a phone call that will change our lives forever, I daydream about meeting our babies birth mother and all the things I want to say to her about how I want to be a listening ear for her. I daydream about our baby and who they will be and the kind of mother I want to be for them. I daydream about all the adventures, both big and small, we will have as a family.

 

Its like a room in my mind that I shut myself in without realizing it, a room that gives me just a little hope when I feel like our journey to you will never end...

 

How do I keep my mind busy? How do I keep my heart in check? I feel like a huge balloon being pushed down under a blanket... I try so hard to keep myself in check

 

 

because we have no idea how much longer this will go on. There is no end in sight....

 

 

My sweet baby, I'm already in love with you... I know they say I shouldn't be.... that I should wait... that I shouldn't think to much about you... that I should control my emotions... but I can't help myself. You're in my heart, my heart so full of love that it hurts, so full of love that it could burst...

 

"You will fall in love at the most unexpected time, with the most unexpected person"

To blessed...

I had no idea... no clue when we started this adventure how many people would impact us. People we know, people we don't know and people we now know but may never meet in person.

 

I want to type something here about how we're only halfway through and are amazed by all the blessings God is providing in this journey, but we aren't... or we may be further along than I think. We have no clue.... this isn't just a 9 month venture where we getting a happy wrinkly little person placed in or arms at the end and reminisce about the beautiful process it was to get to that point. It could be done and onto the next journey of raising our baby before we know it... or it could last much, much longer a length of time I couldn't even begin to guess.

 

in this process I get angry some days... some days I lay on the floor and beg God to take away my anger because of things that I read and what people say about adopting parents. Things that I don't know why I read because I know they will make me angry, or I'm angry because we have to depend on other people to help us bring our baby home... I forget that even what seem like mistakes on other peoples parts that feel like they are making the road to our child stretch our longer and farther are still part of Gods plan... they are not throwing His perfectly mastered timeline out of whack like they do in the plans I laid out in my head. Then God puts it on a friends heart to message me and let me know they're praying for us.

 

in this process some days (more often than I care to admit) I cry... because all I want is for my arms not to be empty anymore to feel like they're waiting to be filled with the tiny little person my heart knows we are coming for. I cry because I forget... I forget to rely on God and not myself. I forget to tell Him my woe's and instead I bottle them up because I think I can handle my heart on my own, but I can't. Then I get a completely random message from a fellow adoptive momma that I've never met just encouraging me to keep pressing on.

 

Its amazing... it can only be God putting it on these people's hearts, because by all other counts it is totally random.

 

So I will say we are "in" this process and again I am amazed by God... I am amazed how He places someone in my way to show His glory always at just the right time. He reminds me that He is in control and I am not... which as much as I don't like it at times, it is exactly what I need to hear. But if I'm honest I am so glad I'm not in control... because I forget that I need these seemingly random blessings in strangers, the random facebook messages from fellow adopting moms, the encouragements from others who have walked this road, donations from both complete strangers and people that we know. Our arms may feel empty at times, but our hearts are so full. Full of Gods mercy and blessings that we can never figure out.

 

We'd like to think that we could do this on our own... to think that we don't have to depend on others to get through this process, but we can't. We need the prayers, we need the loving notes, we need the advice (sometimes ;) ) we need the understanding ears, we need the blessings that you all are to us.

 

I've heard the saying "It takes a village", I never really thought much of it until now... but it does. God gives us what we need when we need it, and sometimes we need a village.

 

 

"open"

Open.... A word that I know well. Growing up my parents wanted me to be "open" with them, they wanted to support me to hear what I was thinking (obviously within reason and with respect) My siblings have all always been very "open" with me. Telling me when they thought I was being unwise, talking to me about my life and theirs.

Now this word... this "open" word has taken on a totally new meaning to me. In thinking about adoption, this word scared my husband and myself for a long while. It scared us because it seemed more like leaving a door open to unknown trouble more than leaving ourselves open to love. Now you're probably confused as to what I'm talking about... let me explain.

 

The person I'm referring to loving isn't our baby, we have no fears about loving the child to come, but there's another openness in adoption that before, seemed scary. Being open with the birth mother of our future child. Letting our child have an open relationship with their birth mother... it seemed absolutely terrifying if I'm honest. What if she didn't have the best living situation, what if she's escaping an abuse situation, what if she's a recovering drug addict, what if what if what if.... now I'm not saying that every birth mother potentially seeking adoption falls into these categories, but what if she does? That "what if" seemed so scary before because of the unknowns it brings.

 

But after reading story after story, talking to people on both sides of the fence and praying.... and praying and praying and praying....we have come to this conclusion.

 

What if she is one of those seemingly scary scenarios? What if she comes with baggage? Would we still be open? There are so many variables to this situation, but at this point I can say, that if being open with her doesn't bring direct harm to us or our child, and she wants some degree of openness, why wouldn't we be open? My husband and I are professing believers in Christ as our savior, and in being that I can't imagine turning my back on this woman. How is this not the perfect opportunity to show Gods love?

 

If I'm not mistaken Jesus had some seemingly questionable company at times, but He only wanted to show them love. No he didn't support them financially, or join in with their questionable activities, but He loved them and shared Gods love with them. He told them stories of salvation, and was an example to them of what a Christian is. He didn't turn His back on them because they didn't follow the moral code of the other supposed "good people". He was there for those who had lost their way in life.

 

Why can't we put ourselves aside to be there for an expectant mother who needs someone. Maybe she doesn't have a listening ear in someone she knows, maybe she just needs someone who loves her regardless of poor choices she's possibly made.

 

I don't know who our birth mother will be, I don't know what she will look like or what kind of life she will have. But we at this point have made a choice to love her regardless, just as we have made a choice to love a baby that we don't know yet. Just as God made a choice to love us regardless of who we are or what we've done.

 

Psalms 34:15 "The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry."

 

 

Who I want to be.

I think a lot about the mother I want to be, I grew up with amazing examples of what a mother should look like. I spent most Wednesdays at my grandmothers house growing up, she taught me how to sew and cook. She did my school with me and always figured out a way to weave a verse from her devotions into my schoolwork.

 

My mother taught me what a wife and mother should look like. She homeschooled my siblings and myself and was the epitome of a farmers wife. I grew up finding her doing devotions in her bed in the mornings, tailoring our schoolwork so that each of us kids learned in our own way. School was more than learning what was in the books, it was experiments in the kitchen, finding bugs and plants outside and sometimes it was going over to the shop to "help" dad while he worked on equipment.

 

She taught us to cook, clean and sew, to laugh at ourselves (and sometimes each other) she picked us up when we fell, supported us when we wanted to try something new, she let us lick the spatula, play in the dirt, and make mistakes. Best of all she taught us to love the Lord in all of it.

 

I'm aware that in particular stages of my life I wasn't the easiest child to deal with, as with most my mid to late teen years were riddled with me trying to make my own decisions (which is the tactful way of saying, I was a rebellious little turd) 

But of all the things my mother did for me, the one I appreciate the most now is that she always prayed for me. I didn't actually accept salvation until I was 24. I tried to claim it many times, but I wanted a get out of hell free card, not a relationship with God. I tried to find my own way and live for myself

 and made quite a few poor choices, but my mom never turned her back on me. I was well aware that she didn't agree with things that I did, but as clear as she made that to me, I never doubted that she loved me. She struck the beautiful balance between supporting me and loving me, but letting me know that what I was doing was not what a follower of Christ should do.

 

I told her about most everything, and she was the first person I told when I finally accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and found a genuine relationship with Him.

 

That is the mom I want to be. I want to trust God to work His plan in our kids hearts. I want our kids to know that they can always come to me, that I will always be there for them, even though they know I might not agree with them. I want them to always feel loved and protected. but I want to always be honest with them. I want to be their mom.

 

I already pray for our kids, I pray that God will work in their hearts, I pray that they will make good choices in life. But I also pray that we will be the parents they deserve I pray that they will always feel loved.

Love without Fear...

What can I say? How am I supposed to react to comments that make my blood boil? I am a Christian, but that does not require me to be a punching bag for cruel comments. Jesus went into the temple flipping tables and yelling, but the "world" expects me to be a verbal doormat.

As explained previously, we are expectant parents, which means that my momma bear hormones are fully engaged. Of all the comments that feel like a dagger to the heart, "Maybe you'll get pregnant instead" is the serrated edge. Like somehow our adopted baby is the second best option to biological children.

 

Adoption has always been on the table for cowboy and I. Although its come along a little sooner than we expected, it was always part of the plan. Now that we have committed to this adventure, I jokingly tell people I am "paper pregnant" but its less a joke and more fact than what I think people realize. I love our baby so much, I am anticipating their arrival! If I were to (by some crazy miracle) get pregnant now, We wouldn't discard our adoption, or "put it on hold". I would merely tell people that we were (in a round about sort of way) now expecting twins!

 

I view our adopted baby just the same as I viewed the baby we lost over a year ago... yes my cowboy and I experienced a miscarriage about a year and a half ago. I wasn't far along, and we found out at our very first appointment that our baby had no heartbeat. You cannot (or maybe you can) imagine the high and low of that day... I have never gone from such utter excitement to absolute soul crushing pain in one instant. That child had consumed my every thought for weeks, I imagined what they might look like, if they would be a boy or girl, and everything else that goes along with what you think when you find out you're expecting. and all in one moment I realized that I would never see them, hold them or tell them I loved them. Going through and grieving that loss was easily the most painful thing I've had to do in my life.

 

Please, don't believe for one moment that we are adopting to "replace" the baby we lost. That baby is and will always be our first child, and nothing will change that. I've heard from many that God brought them through a terrible trial so that His direction would be clear. In the words of a doctor (on a TV show) "Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you have to make something that resembles lemonade." That miscarriage and the loss of that baby was meant to lead us in this direction.

 

God created cowboy and I with hearts full of love, and a desire to have a family. As I look back at the trials we have endured together I can see the people He has been molding us into. People that have the ability to love any child he brings us fearlessly and completely.

I am heard by many and understood by few when I say that I love both of my children. Both of whom I have never met. Both of whom I will meet someday.

 

Waiting...

We are expecting a baby, I am an expectant mother and my husband (Cowboy) an expectant father. We will (at some point) be a family of 3, or 4 who knows? Although my "gestation period" may end up being more the length of an elephant than a human... we are still expecting.

But today it feels like it will never come... today I am discouraged. I work, daily, towards our adoption goal. I am in a perpetual state of sanding little wood rounds and drawing everything twice (first with pencil then permanently) onto hundreds and hundreds of pieces of wood.... I can't feel the ends of my fingers anymore because of hot glue...I pack it all up and go to the farmers market to sell a handful of things and then come home, unpack it all, and make more the next day. I am blessed with an amazing church family seeking to help support our adventure and so I carry custom painted windows, wreaths, wood rounds and cedar planks into church most every Sunday.  My husband works overtime, I pick up little jobs here and there and all because we are expecting... because we are adopting. But it never feels closer...

(My Cowboy "waiting on the trail")

 

I pray for patience, and yes I know the warnings "Don't pray for patience God will bring you trials to be patient through!" trust me... I already have the trial.... I now need the skill. I pray for peace and a calm attitude toward those who do not understand and ask ignorant questions. I pray that I will know what to say to them... and that sometimes I will have the strength to say nothing at all.

But it never feels closer... It feels like I will be sanding, painting and gluing for the rest of my life... always working toward our adoption, but never bringing our baby home....

It sounds strange in my head, but I honestly feel like I miss our baby.... I've never met them, I have no idea when they will come or who they will be, but I miss them. My heart aches when I think about how long it may be until I see them. My empty arms are a constant reminder to me that they aren't here yet. I've never felt this kind of love, the kind of love where your heart feels like it might burst from being so full because of a person that you don't even know... a person that I've no clue if they even exist yet. I didn't even know I could love someone like this... but here I am, shedding all the tears of anticipation, love, excitement and frustration.

One of my sisters said something the other day that resonated with me.... "Just because there are tears, doesn't mean you aren't trusting God." Sometimes faith comes with tears.
I have complete faith in Gods timing, I totally trust that God will bring our baby at the perfect moment and they will be exactly who they are supposed to be.... but when you love someone this much, sometimes the waiting is hard.

Am I your mother?

Where are you at in your adoption process?
A straightforward enough question asked by many... many... many people. And the response is often the same...
"We are saving up right now, fundraising and working extra hours." *Said with an excited smile*
"Oh..." (Comes the disappointed and somewhat confused response) "So do you have one picked out?"
Do we "have one picked out"?... a pang of frustration/anger/confusion pulses through my heart... but honestly I'm sure I would've asked a similar ignorant question before I (in many painstaking hours) researched the adoption process. I had no idea, no clue that you don't just walk into an agency with oodles expectant mothers waiting at the door to give their new baby to a happy couple. I assumed - like many- that we were the pickers, and that the costs would be minimal.
In fact my friends it is quite the opposite. We are the picked, we are one of the masses praying that we will be chosen by a woman (or couple)... and after all my research, listening to podcasts, and reading stories and learning the "adoption lingo" I have grown a massive respect for these expectant parents walking into the agency. They (contrary to what I once believed) are not selfish, just looking to maintain their lifestyle and not be inconvenienced by a baby. They are the parents, she is the mother of our child (whoever and wherever she is) making the brave and selfless decision to find a better life for her child, in a loving home. She doesn't know us, she may never know us "well" depending on the adoption plan created, but she is going to ask us to be the parents of her child.  She is going to ask me to be the mother of her baby.
I have not gone through a full pregnancy, bonding with my baby for nine months, awaiting their arrival. But still I cannot imagine going through that and finally seeing them, and then giving them to someone else, regardless of my situation. I know this because I am selfish... she is not.
 She will go through that nine months, feeling their very first movements, hearing their heartbeat and seeing them on the ultrasound. She will labor, she will deliver and she will see all her hard work in ten tiny toes and ten tiny fingers. She will hear it in the newborn cry, and see it in the tiny newborn squinting eyes seeing the outside world for the first time. She will hold her baby, and then she will hand her baby to us, because she will love that baby more than herself. I hope to hold our baby together with her, I hope to hug her, to thank her, to wipe her tears as I cry mine.
A statement that once scared me, now brings a feeling of respect... "She will always be my babies mother." But so will I, I will hold our baby when they cry, laugh when they giggle, pull my hair our through their tantrums and worry as they grow up. But they grew in her womb and that is something I will never take away from her, God used her to create our baby. They will always be her baby, but they will always be mine, mine to me.

I am not offended by your pregnancy...

 

I am not mad that you're pregnant, I'm not offended by your big (adorable!) protruding belly full of tiny human, I'm not upset that you're able to procreate and I am not. Being pregnant is a blessing, having the ability to make a new human with your spouse is a beautiful thing. Please don't think you have to announce your pregnancy to me differently than anyone else, it doesn't need to be made to me in hushed tones just the two of us, or with a sad side-glance toward me, I promise I don't have meltdowns over pregnancy announcements… anymore…

If I'm honest, I used to. If I'm honest, it felt like literally EVERYONE was getting pregnant right as I was struggling with the reality that it was something I would probably never experience (unless the Lord wills otherwise). Like most, motherhood has always played itself out in my head starting with the joyful discovery of a positive pregnancy test, followed by 9 months of beauty, pain, and lots of vomiting. An experience I would gladly endure because of the tiny little scream of a newborn entering the world that would result at the end. Cradling our newborn in my hospital bed with my husband snuggled up next to us as we both stared into the face that was a beautiful mixture of the two of us.

These were all things I had to let go of before we could move forward with our adoption… things that I now am so happy that others get to experience. Because I was bitter, I was jealous; I envied the many pregnant bellies waddling their way around church on Sunday mornings.

Many people don't realize that you have to grieve through all of this before you can adopt (if you struggled with infertility first) you have to let go of what you thought "motherhood" would look like.

My husband and I don't decide one day that we want to have a baby, we don't try until we see the two little pink lines appear on the test. We raise money, we work extra hours, and we save because we don't have just a deductable to meet before insurance covers the rest. We will sign on with an agency, go through many agonizing and tedious hours of homestudy prep and paperwork until we are "approved" to be parents (that is the part that most easily frustrates me). The state gets to decide if we are fit to be parents. Then we build a profile of ourselves… a profile that we hope finds favor with an expectant parent whom is making an adoption plan. It could be 9 months… it could be 2 years before we are chosen. I know it will be in Gods timing, I pray always that He will help me cope… but we wait.

The path to motherhood looks different than I thought it would, but it is still beautiful. Just like pregnancy, we don't know if it will be a boy or girl, one two or maybe even three babies! (different than pregnancy we don't know what race it will be ;) ) But just the same, that (or those) baby will be ours. I will never see that baby as anything but ours.